Tags
bipolar, bipolar blog, bipolar blogger, Bipolar Depression, Mental Health, Mental Health community, Mental Illness
So, here I sit in my mother and father’s living room. We drove up on Sunday after the risk from Hurricane Matthew had finally passed our area, and we were sure everything was going to be ok at our house.
Before coming here, some of you may remember that I was going to write and post an entry on how to explain bipolar. Some of you may even realize that I never posted anything like that. I started that post. I haven’t finished it. It got complicated and I got stuck. I am still working on it, but it was supposed to be something for me to use to help my parents understand what’s going on with me. With it not being done, it’s not really of any use to me now.
Which is a shame.
Because the subject came up briefly this morning. And it got messy almost immediately. Because my mother’s opinion (my father was conspicuously quiet) is that I just think about it too much. If I would stop reading blogs, and considering my health, I would feel better. After all, she doesn’t read about her physical ailments much, so that means she can just live her life and not worry about it too much.
??????
The problem is that she’s so sure of what she’s saying and so insistent that I’m wrong, that I lose any thoughts of what I should be saying to defend myself. It’s just gone. Which, of course, is typical for me, and I’m sure many of you. And is why I was writing the other post. I wanted to have all of my thoughts organized for this exact situation.
I shouldn’t be researching my medications. I shouldn’t be reading blogs about bipolar. I shouldn’t be thinking about bipolar at all, unless I’m at therapy.
But that is just not possible. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d love to not think about bipolar. It would free up a lot of brain space. But, I can’t help it. Even if I’m not reading blogs, and sometimes I go a couple of days, I’m still thinking about it. My brain never shuts off. I drug the hell out of myself (with pdoc approval) to even sleep at night. And my brain goes and goes and goes until the pills just finally take over. And, on occasion, even they don’t work.
I don’t want to think about bipolar all the time. But my brain does. I’m working on retraining my behavior through Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I take my meds. I go to therapy twice a week. But, most importantly, I’m always using energy to act like I’m fine. But I’m not such a great actress that I can even convince myself. None of us can.
There’s a big part of bipolar that we just have to sit back and say “It is what it is”. The meds, the therapy, the acting. But just because we are saying that “It is what it is” doesn’t mean that we aren’t thinking about it. All. The. Time.
Reading your blogs gives me something that I wouldn’t have otherwise. A community. A tribe. People who understand me and what I’m going through. I don’t have to explain to you that it takes a lot of energy to act like I’m ok. You know that. I don’t have to explain racing thoughts to you. You know. Bipolar depression? You get it. You understand it and you support me, just as I support you.
So my friends, my support, my tribe I really want to thank you. Because no matter what my mother may say about not reading about bipolar, reading these blogs are crucial to my understanding of what the malfunction in my brain is doing. Your stories teach me, as I hope mine teach you. The writing is cathartic, but the understanding brings peace.
morgueticiaatoms said:
By your mother’s logic, rape victims, PTSD sufferers, grief support groups, all of it should be done away with and the problem would be solved.
Where you got your empathy is beyond me because your mother has none and her logic makes me want to send her to therapy.
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Leslie said:
I got my empathy from my grandparents. And you’re right, I didn’t even think about it from the standpoint of other people who have emotional issues. Now it’s worse. I’ve often wondered whether there is some NPD there.
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Matthew Malin said:
Ive always got your back 🙂
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Leslie said:
Thanks Matt!! 😊
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jennymarie4 said:
I think it’s so important for family members to educate themselves about their loved one’s illness. It’s hard to truly understand how someone with a mental health condition feels if that person has never felt like that, but they certainly can try. And have empathy. It can’t be swept under the rug, or just pretend it doesn’t exist. Sorry about the struggle with your parents. If blogging helps give you support (which I know how supportive this community is), then don’t stop reading… or writing. Take care Leslie!
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Just Plain Ol' Vic said:
I think you should keep on doing what you are doing. You need to be your own self advocate. It would be nice if your family educated themselves a bit more but you need to focus on you.
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Leslie said:
Thanks Vic. It’s very hard when the people around you just don’t want to understand. Hubby wants to, but can’t entirely, which I understand. It’s upsetting to have parents who just don’t want to. You’re right though, I do just have to deal with myself and hope they don’t get in my way.
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Jess Melancholia said:
What Vic said! All in all, your health is yours and yours alone. Do what feels best for your health and if that means being involved in the blogging community then so be it. I’m here for you whenever you need me.
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Leslie said:
Thanks Jess. I really appreciate it
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Pieces of Bipolar said:
‘so insistent that I’m wrong, that I lose any thoughts of what I should be saying to defend myself’ – that is me exactly! I get steamrolled until I actually begin to believe their bullshit. I agree with you. This community is vital for our individual survival. It’s a place to rest our weary heads, to cry, encourage, comfort, share a laugh, some music, our fears and our hopes and dreams. It supports us as nothing and no one else can. And it does all this simply because we understand, instead of judge, one another. And Leslie, I think you are perfect just as you are ❤
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Leslie said:
You are so sweet Pieces. I feel the same about you. Interestingly enough I had a very frank conversation with my mother last night and she actually listened. Stay tuned for the next post on that one. It is so easy to get steamrolled though, because it’s really hard to make someone understand something that we have a hard time understanding ourselves.
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