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bipolar, bipolar blog, bipolar blogger, bipolar disease, bipolar disorder, Brain damage, emotions, Explain bipolar, mania, Medication, mood, mood swing
I started this post a few weeks ago. I got half way into it, got lost, and couldn’t find my way through it.
Now, I’m happy to remove it from the drafts folder and out to all of you.
I’m going to be driving north at the end of the week to visit family and a couple of friends. But, I have really just started the process of explaining how bipolar affects me and my moods to my parents. Because, quite frankly, my mother can trigger me better than anyone in the entire world. She’s been doing it for 47 years. And when you practice something for that long, you become amazing at it. Producing rage and floods of uncontrollable tears are her speciality. I’ve held off discussing this with her for a long time, but now, as disability looks like it will hit in the next couple of months (fingers crossed), I will be going public with my fight, under my real name. So I figured it was time to give them some sort of an idea of what has been going on all these years. Last week I told my therapist that in preparation for the week-long stay I wanted to write out an explanation of what happens, why it happens and why I can’t always help it.
Interestingly enough, at the same time I’ve been pondering this post, I’ve read many many blogs by people who are having the same problem getting others to understand what we go through with bipolar disorder, or at the very least, accept it.
Valid Emotions
The first thing to remember is that the emotions we feel are often valid. But, the intensity of those emotions is often distorted. Sometimes by a lot. Something small may make me angry, and it might be valid, but bipolar turns that anger into rage, and now I’m screaming at the top of my lungs that the cups weren’t loaded into the dishwasher properly. I know while I’m screaming that this emotion is completely overloaded, but knowing that rarely stops the rage. And the shame that follows being so volatile can be crippling. No one wants to be driven to that level of rage by something so small. If we’ve been screaming at someone we love, the embarrassment could be severe. But, now, we’ve taken an emotion that is very high, rage, and turned it into something very low, shame.
But the shame often makes me question the validity of the emotions I have. OK I get that the anger inflamed to rage, but now I question the validity of the anger. Because I’m questioning the rage, the anger naturally comes into question as well.
“Calm down” the well-meaning (and sometimes just flat-out annoyed) say to us. Well why didn’t I think of that? Except that I did. And I can’t. And I don’t know why, so trying to explain it is taking up vital energy that I’m trying to use to not plummet into depression.
Moods
From depression to mania, we experience an entire spectrum of moods. And sometimes those are all expressed rapidly over the course of days or weeks. The lucky ones don’t rapid cycle, but it doesn’t make their struggle with these moods any less real. Often, we can’t find the trigger for these moods. Well-meaners will tell us that there is no reason to be depressed. But, we already know that. Other times, the triggers are clear. But, like the emotions, the mood gets away from us. It swells too large. It can’t be contained. How is it possible to be so depressed over something so small? We don’t know. We can’t explain it. And there is a reason for that.
Brain Damage
Yes, I said it. The kernel at the core of the problem. We have a disease in our brains which causes our brains to malfunction.
Depression drops by and tells us that we can’t even get out of bed. We can’t shower. We can’t make ourselves something to eat. Or we need to die. Mania comes along and entices us to spend money, have sex and move move move until we collapse into depression.
And everything in between.
And all because some receptors in our brains aren’t working properly.
Medication helps. If you’re one of the lucky people who are taking medication and have leveled out for an extended period of time, medication may be the perfect solution. Others, like me, don’t do as well on the medication. If a med has a side effect, I get it. My body gets used to medication too quickly, so prescriptions need to be changed often.
But, I can’t get a new brain. Livers, kidneys, corneas, lungs and even hearts can be replaced. Even skin. But not brains.
Disease
Disease is my new word for this condition. Bipolar disease. A disorder implies that I can fix it or clean it up. I don’t know why people are so afraid of a mental illness. But, a disease? That’s more easily understood. It gives you a few extra precious seconds, maybe minutes depending on who you are talking to, to explain things before stigma and stereotypes kick in.
And sometimes those seconds are precious to getting our point across.
It’s hard to understand bipolar disease if you don’t have it. It’s hard to understand if you do. But it’s crucial to remember that we don’t understand the way “normal” people think either. Occasionally, my husband and I will be sitting on the front porch quietly together and I will ask him what he’s thinking. And he will say ‘Nothing’. Aghast, I will list all the possible things that I think he could be thinking about and he will say ‘No. Nothing.’
???
Blank brain?? How is that possible? At any given moment I’m thinking about so many things that there is a permenant din in my brain. And he doesn’t get that. Just as I don’t get how he can actually be, literally, thinking about nothing.
The seconds I get by calling bipolar a disease allow me to explain that. Or how a part of my brain is damaged and there are no brain transplants. Or how I’m resistent to medications, so I can’t just settle in on one of them.
Those seconds can be crucial. No one who doesn’t have bipolar disease is ever going to really understand what is going on in my mind. But, I’m never going to understand what’s going on in their’s either.
And maybe that’s the thing that is the most crucial. No one ever REALLY knows how another person is thinking. Yes, our thinking may be a little left of center, but even if I was “normal” I still wouldn’t understand how my husband thinks. And he still wouldn’t understand how I do.
Maybe the goal should be acceptance, not understanding.
My last point before I sign off is this:
I took this picture at the aquarium when hubby and I went with his kids and grandson. I always assumed hippos could swim, because they basically live in the water. I was wrong. Hippos don’t swim. They can’t swim. They walk along the bottom, pushing off to make headway.
Don’t let someone assume you are crazy just because you have bipolar disease.
the narrator said:
Brilliant. 🙂 A couple more things added and it’s what I tell people who take the effort to talk to me about bipolar… because they feel they have it or something they love does.
Good luck with your fight against the disease 🙂
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Leslie said:
Thanks! I appreciate your kind comment
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the narrator said:
Brilliant 🙂
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Leslie said:
Thank you so much
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Just Plain Ol' Vic said:
Great post & perspective!
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Leslie said:
Thanks Vic
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Bradley said:
I applaud you on a most excellent post. I’m sharing with some friends who are struggling to understand their son’s mental disease.
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Leslie said:
Thank you Bradley! I really appreciate the compliment of a share.
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Jess Melancholia said:
Awesome job Leslie! You really hit the nail on the head! I really enjoyed your new term disease. It sounds more authoritative and I think I’ll use that from now on.
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Leslie said:
Thanks Jess. I think disease is a little less wishy washy then disorder.
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Kate McClelland said:
Reblogged this on Kate McClelland.
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Leslie said:
Thank you so much Kate!
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Von said:
One of the most difficult to control, for me, is rage. I’m also having a big problem with my rage. You know you are not being logical, but you just can’t help it. The perfect companion of this is guilt. Always.
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Leslie said:
I have a big problem with rage. Depression always leads to anxiety which leads to being annoyed, which leads to anger and then to rage. Unfortunately my hypomanic and manic episodes follow the same trajectory. That tiny voice in the back of your head telling you that you are being unreasonable is just not loud enough to overcome a lot of the time.
Thanks so much for your comment and follow! I appreciate it!
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Von said:
You have a great blog, this one is well explained. It’s my pleasure.
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Matthew Malin said:
Reblogged this on Confessions and commented:
Happy Tuesday morning, my friends.
Tomorrow marks the very first day of our “Finding Who We Are” series. I am so incredibly excited to introduce this project to you and allow you all to have another platform to share your story.
Each and every one of you have had unique experiences, different struggles, and have learned a myriad of lessons through them. What unites us all, though, is that we are survivors. Whether you feel like it or not, you are breathing today and that means you’ve beaten your illness for today. Find strength in that.
Tomorrow’s entry comes from a lovely lady. Her name is Leslie and she writes at Normal Is Out There. This excerpt comes straight from her About page:
I’m a 47 year old bipolar, anxious, depressed, ocd, agoraphobic woman with borderline personality traits.
More importantly, I’m a 46 year old woman with a wonderful husband, three fantastic stepchildren and a beautiful grandson. I live in the Southern United States, love to garden, read and bake.
I started this blog as a way to connect to the Mental Health Community at large. It gets lonely in my head and I’m tired of spinning around in there.
I’m hoping that my blog will help others. Maybe my experiences can help make sense of yours. And, I want to learn from you. I want us all to be able to recognize that we are not alone, spinning around in our own heads. We need only open our computer to find someone who understands.’
I’ve been reading the story she sent me and it has brought me to tears each time. I sincerely hope you will join us tomorrow! Take some time to get to know Leslie before you drop in tomorrow and read her story.
You are loved.
You are valued.
See you tomorrow!!
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Leslie said:
Thank you Matthew!
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Matthew Malin said:
Most welcome! I’ll be sending another email with final details before the post goes live at midnight. Im excited!
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Leslie said:
Me too!
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Pingback: Trying to explain Bipolar – Confessions
WillowLuna said:
Maybe the goal should be acceptance, not understanding.
I like that sentiment alot. Thankyou for sharing so genuinely.
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Leslie said:
Thanks Willow. And, yes, to an extent it does have to be acceptance.
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gavindaniel11 said:
I really enjoyed your post. I also have issues with extreme rage and the only thing that has seemed to help is an anti anxiety, which also makes me tired, so it’s a double edged sword. I empathize and am glad to read about someone else being lost inside their own mind. Thank you !
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Leslie said:
I’m really glad that this piece gave something to you Gavin. I take anti-anxiety meds as well. They don’t usually make me too tired but they do help with the rage. Thank you so much for reading and commenting.
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myloudbipolarwhispers said:
I have felt the same way as you in about every word you said. I have been trying to call this illness what it is as well. I don’t know why people think that changing the name is going to change what this illness is. I have a disease in my brain. What I hate even worse than Disorder is when they want to call mental illness a mental health issue…. what the hell??? I have a weight issue but my Bipolar is not an issue. Just like you said…. an issue makes me or anyone feel like they should be able to just get rid of it. Anyway…. I have said very similar things on many of my posts. I have a large variety of posts on my blog…. thanks for your blog. I loved it!
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Leslie said:
I’m so glad that you enjoyed this piece. Thank you so much for commenting and letting me know how you feel. It’s always wonderful to know that someone else “gets” what’s happening. I’m sorry I’ve taken so long to respond, I’ve been off the internet for a bit.
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