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I have been really under the weather for weeks.  I picked up a sinus infection after Hurricane Matthew rolled through and it kept recurring.  I’m most of the way through my second round of antibiotics and yesterday was the first day in nearly a month that I didn’t feel like hell.

Well, I actually did feel like hell.  In my mind a storm was brewing.  Anxiety climbed the walls of my mind lifting me to panic attack readiness.  I finally found some solace in a 10 mg Valium and Morgue’s chat room.  (and if you want to check that out, let me know.  It’s completely worth it)

Wednesday I had pretty much spent the day in front of CNN watching in disbelief what our country had done the day before.  But, yesterday I had taken to social media and the internet at large with a vengeance.  I wanted to know why.  Why had We The People elected this hatemonger to the highest office in our country?

I joined a lot of discussions.

I queried on my own Facebook wall why Christians had shown up in droves to elect this man.  I received the following response from one of my relatives after she admonished me for not watching Jim Baker (yes, THAT Jim Baker) to get the information I should have gotten before I made a misinformed decision

Here’s the scoop: 1) Trump is “pro-life”, which is why he hopes to abolish “Roe vs Wade”. Hillary, on the other hand, boldly proclaimed (during their debate) that she is totally in favor of a full-term baby being murdered before it’s head leaves the birth canal!!…..2) Trump wants Jersalem to become the capital of Israel & wants to move our American Embassy there. Hillary, on the other hand, wants to divide Israel in such a way as would give some of Israel’s land to the Palestinians, WHICH WOULD DEFINITELY BE A NO-NO W/ GOD, WHICH WOULD RESULT IN HIS WRATH BEING POURED-OUT UPON US!!!!!!!!!….That is why evangelical christians had to vote for Trump irregardless as to his flaws…..God can do extraordinary things w/ ordinary people!!!!!

Seriously, I’m related to the person who gave this answer.

Excuse me while I go take another Valium

…

…

Hopefully that kicks in quick

I found a lot of posts, and I mean a LOT, from people explaining why I should just “get over it already”.  I spent some time answering those people.  I explained that, while I respected their right to be satisfied, I should also be allowed some time to process and mourn.

I spent a little bit of time watching CNN as I wanted to see our President-Elect meet with President Obama and see the press conference afterwards.  But, it wasn’t easy.  My heart broke for President Obama.  I couldn’t imagine what he must have been feeling as he worked to pave the way for our President-Elect, knowing that he was working with a racist.

Later in the afternoon I went back to Facebook.  I couldn’t help it.  I knew that I shouldn’t, because of the level of animosity I was encountering.  But, on the other hand, I needed information.  You can’t fight what you don’t understand.  If you don’t see what’s coming, how can you prepare for it?

I ended up being brought to my limit by this

Now, I agree with what that says.  But, I was still feeling like it was telling me to get over it.  And I was still feeling like I had the right to be heard.   So, as a comment to the person who posted this, I laid out the reasons that I am upset.  And terrified.  Let’s please not forget terrified.

I have several  mental illnesses and that marginalizes me in the new President’s eyes.

I need disability and that marginalizes me in the new President’s eyes.

My husband works for a company that buys parts from overseas.  Renegotiation of trade deals, or scraping them altogether, could easily raise the costs of those parts which would raise the cost of the finished product.  The finished product of the company my husband works for is heavily financed through the Export Import Bank.  The dissolution of that bank desired by our new President will mean that those products will not be purchased driving that company out of business and with it my husband out of a job.  This last bit holds true for many many large businesses in our country and could potentially mean the loss of tens of thousands of jobs.

The Affordable Care Act helps over 11 million people in this country obtain coverage.  Our new President wants to repeal it.  He has a plan to change it, and it’s a decent plan, but what about a bridge for coverage while prices come down (if they do)?  That’s 11 million people out of health insurance.

This is not counting what black people, Muslim people, Mexican people and gay people must be feeling.  If I’m as scared as I am, how must they feel?

After posting all of this, I started to panic.  I had never really meant to “out” myself as mentally ill and disabled on Facebook.  Not yet.  Not like that.  And this is when the panic attack started to rise.  I did what I felt I had to do to explain WHY this election was so upsetting.  But, in the process, I had outed myself in a way I wasn’t really prepared for.  I had put my mental illnesses right out there for people to look at and I was afraid of what the backlash would be.  But, in deference to my budding panic attack, I turned off the TV, logged off Facebook and logged into the chat room.

This morning I went back.  I needed to see what the fallout had been.  Had I been being mocked overnight?  Had I actually managed to make my point understood?

The post had been deleted.

Gone.  I had outed myself for no reason.  I received no response, not even a thank you for trying.  I had laid bare my soul and my terror.  I had done it very very nicely.  And it was deleted.

This morning I had therapy and I was in tears in the waiting room.  How am I supposed to deal with this new world we find ourselves in?  If social media and the news are stressing me out, the obvious answer is to avoid them.  But, if I avoid them, how will I keep myself aware of the developments that will be happening constantly?  How can I fight for myself and, at the same time, keep myself safe?

And, the answer is…moderation.  I have to cut back on the news.  I definitely have to cut back on Facebook.  But, I need to stay aware.  I need to see harmful legislation coming so I can work to cut it down.  We all do.  It’s not fair that those among us who are least likely to cope with this kind of crap have to be more aware of it then anyone else.  But, it is what it is.

Just had a very open and successful presidential election. Now professional protesters, incited by the media, are protesting. Very unfair!

 

Poor baby.

 

And lastly, a very cool, very easy new campaign based on one that occurred in England following Brexit:

By fastening a safety pin to their clothing, people are declaring themselves allies to groups who have been maligned by Trump, to show that they stand in solidarity with anyone who might be afraid.

And as we’ve been dismayed to find out in the days following Trump’s election, it appears that there is reason to fear. People across the country have shared stories on social media of violence and hate speech directed at them in the wake of Trump’s victory. Racist graffiti was spotted around the country and minorities reported experiencing harassment the day after Trump was elected.

These frightening instances illustrate why the #safetypin idea ― which was inspired by a movement following Brexit in the United Kingdom ― is so timely. It’s a tiny gesture, but it speaks volumes, assuring people they are not alone.

You can read the full story here

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My safety pin for solidarity

It’s a really easy way to let other people know that you support them.  I hope this little movement catches some fire and becomes HUGE.

I hope that all of you are ok and coping.  Together, we can all do this.  I’m considering starting a weekly series just to let everyone know about the things happening that we all need to be aware of.  Let me know if you think it’s a good idea.

And thankfully, that Valium has kicked in.