Memory loss sucks.

It’s not even something that’s debatable.  I don’t think that anyone who is suffering from memory loss would say differently.

Generally my policy is to fake it till I make it.  I’m cautious with what I say when referencing the past.  I know I don’t remember but I don’t want others to give me that look that says they can’t believe I don’t remember something.

I stepped in it this morning though.  Thoroughly.

It was a stupid thing really.  Hubby and I want to get a new front door for our house.  I suggested that we take the current door and move it to our current front door.  What I didn’t remember, and still don’t, is that we replaced the back door last year.  And, apparently, it wasn’t cheap.

And I don’t remember any of it.

At. All.

It’s distressing to be in a position where someone is telling you something that you know you should remember and you just can’t.  I don’t remember my honeymoon.  I don’t remember any vacations my husband and I have taken.  I remember pieces.  Mostly the pieces that have photographic evidence.  I can look at a picture and think “oh yeah, that happened”.  What lead up to it and what came after is gone though.

Bipolar disorder, by itself, causes some cognitive impairment.  Unfortunately, the medications that we have to take to keep ourselves on solid ground also create memory loss.  Some more then others.

But, as I sit here writing this, I’m quite distressed.  Lithium has done a good job so far at controlling the intensity of my moods.  The depression and hypomania are fairly well controlled and if I stray into those areas I don’t go too far down or too far up.  And I’m grateful for that.  I really am.  I’ve always been medication resistant and spent years switching from one to another trying to find something that would work.  Lithium seems to be doing that, at least for now.

But it is a contributing factor to the memory problems that got out from under me this morning.

I’m feeling very frustrated and lost right now.