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Well, it has finally happened.  My hearing has been scheduled.  This two year journey is finally (hopefully) going to come to a conclusion on March 8.

My lawyer is getting together the last of my psychiatrist’s notes, and I have asked my therapist to write something that I can take to the lawyer.  I don’t know why, but Social Security doesn’t seem to care about what she has to say.  I know that she isn’t an MD or a PHD, but she is a licensed therapist.  She has a bunch of letters after her name, too, they just aren’t the right letters.  But, let’s face facts.  She sees me twice a week for an hour at a time.  The P-Doc sees me once every month or two for 15 minutes.  Sure, her input is crucial because she has all the information about my medications, my resistance to medications and my overall well-being (or non well-being).  But, Karen knows everything about my day to day issues and problems.  She knows my triggers, probably at least as well as I do, and the struggles I have with guilt, anxiety and depression.

I have a new problem now, though.  Well, I have a few new problems, but I’m only going to talk about this particular one right now.

Fear.

This hearing is not something I’m looking forward to, even though it marks the end of this particular struggle.  I’m going to have to go in front of a judge and try to explain how shitty my existence has been.  No, I can’t work.  Yes, I can barely get through just my normal routine most days.  Yes, I can spend hours just pacing around my house trying to get a grip.  No, the medication is not doing enough to help, certainly not enough to get me into a job.  Yes, I suck.  Yes, I’m pathetic.  Yes, I’m a drain on my family.  No, I can’t even get through a day of “House-wifery” without getting very stressed out.  Yes, there are days I can’t even get myself out of bed, let alone into the shower.  Yes, even my writing has suffered.

*sigh*

Of course, they may even want my husband to come in and talk about how useless I can be.  That will be a real boost to my self-esteem.  I know hubby loves me regardless, but hearing him say these things is going to hurt.  I’m not even going to try to pretend otherwise.

On the plus side, hopefully this process will be resolved once and for all at this hearing.  If I’m going to debase myself in front of this judge, the least she can do is help a sister out!

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