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I know, I keep going missing.  I haven’t been checking my email, so if you’ve tried to check on me, I deeply apologize for not answering.

I am ok.

I’m not great.  Ok might even be stretching things a little.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder has decided to stretch it’s ugly legs and screw with me relentlessly.  And I mean relentlessly.  There is no break from the anxiety at all.  It’s possible that there are some bipolar issues happening (maybe hypomania), but I can’t tell because the anxiety has been destroying me.

I kind of feel bad for my therapist.  Twice a week, she just has to sit and listen to me rant and rant and rant.  I’m trying to get all that excess useless energy and brain swirling out of my body.

I went to the p-doc almost 4 weeks ago now.  She upped my Valium to 10mg two times a day and added another pill called Tenex.  Tenex is technically for ADHD but has a side effect of reducing anxiety.  Thankfully, I have another appointment with her on Tuesday, because this is not working.  I really need three Valium a day, but my dose is also super high already, so that probably won’t be possible.  The tenex is doing nothing for anxiety, at least nothing noticeable.

The nice thing about the Tenex is that, because it’s for ADHD, it does give me some focus.  So while my anxiety is spiraling around me, the Tenex takes some of it and pours it into an ability to get some stuff done.  Until it wears off.  After about 2:00, I’m useless again.

My body is positively humming from the amount of anxiety that I’m carrying around.  It’s one of the most uncomfortable places that I’ve ever inhabited, with the exception of active suicidal ideation.

Facing facts, there are some triggers.  Politics are killing me.  So, I have been taking days at a time where I don’t open the computer or turn on the tv to anything that might carry news.  But, then I obsess about what I might be missing, what I might be able to be doing.  I marched in the Women’s March in my hometown and it was an amazing experience.  It actually dulled the anxiety almost completely.  I knew I was doing something that mattered.  I knew that I was with like-minded men and women.  But, that’s not a practical daily solution.

I plan to show up at the P-docs office with no valium on board.  I want her to see me at my agitated worst.  I honestly am starting to think that my body has become used to the Valium and it’s just not doing it anymore.  Which means another med change.  Hate those.

I think that there is a large part of me struggling with uselessness.  Maybe this is where the anxiety springs from, maybe not.  But, I spend a lot of time bouncing around trying to figure out how I can be helpful, not just to society, but to my family.  That’s probably another post.