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So, I’m having some issues with the whole labile mood that goes along with bipolar.

If you caught my post Not doing very well or Well, this sucks you already know that anxiety and depression have been kicking my butt.  I’ve been on a new medication called Tenex, which is for ADHD (which I don’t have) and it has a side effect of reducing anxiety.  The anxiety part was crap.  It didn’t work.  I relied on my 2 10mg Valium each day to reduce the anxiety, although even that did work all the way.  And that’s a LOT of Valium!!!  The one thing the Tenex did do was give me some focus.  The kind of focus that allowed me to get some stuff done.  Not a lot of stuff, but stuff.  And that was good.  Although I was still horribly anxious.

But, then the anxiety just popped.  One moment it was there, and (I mean this quite literally) the next it was gone.  The anxiety left, but it took more of me and sent me into an immediate depression.  I was freezing, my body ached all over, anything anyone said or did angered me, and God forbid I ask a question and the answer was “I don’t know”.  That really didn’t work for me.  My family was concerned, probably a little angry, and very confused and I couldn’t really help them because I was in despair.  That energy I had hated so much was finally gone, but it had left a deep hole in its wake and I didn’t know how to fill it.

The tools in my coping tool box were forgotten, only to be remembered now as I’m typing this post.

However, today I’m on my way back up.  I’ve gotten a few things accomplished and spent more than a little time today chasing my tail, forgetting what I was doing but finding another task and then another and not making it back to the original task until a good deal of time has passed.  That’s assuming I ever remembered the original task at all.

I don’t want to climb back up.  I’ve already climbed beyond “normal”.  I may be going hypomanic.  I’m terrified that I’m going back to that horrible anxiety.  I may even be getting ready for the ride known as ultradian cycling, which, if you’ve been there, you know how awful it is.  For those of you who don’t know, ultradian cycling is when you experience multiple mood shifts within the course of a day.  I know from experience that it is not fun, it is horrible, and I don’t want to do it ever again.

As I write, I can feel that upwards cycling.  I, unlike some other bipolar sufferers, do not enjoy my hypomania.  For me, it is excess energy that has no outlet.  I lose focus, I lose my temper.  I feel like I’m losing my mind.  Some are fortunate enough to be able to channel that excess energy into creative endeavors and I’m jealous of that.  My thinking process becomes very sketchy, very non-linear, and my OCD tendencies are at their worst during hypomania.  Even as I write this, I’m starting to have trouble keeping my thoughts moving in a productive direction.

Good news is that I see both the P-doc and the therapist tomorrow.  I have to remind myself when I’m at the P-doc that it’s a 15 minute appointment.  I have to stay on task.  I have to talk about my moods and how they generally affect me.  It’s not that she doesn’t care, it’s just that we don’t have the time.  Therapy is where I receive the ability to go “stream of consciousness”.  That’s where I can tell my stories of how hard things have been.  I literally don’t know where I would be without my therapist.

My disability hearing has been scheduled for March.   Should everything go the way I hope, I will be able to change this blog to one of education, stigma-prevention, and action should it be necessary with our new administration.  To that end, I am going to go back over a lot of my posts and mark the ones that directly involve my family to private.  But, I will go public, under my real name, with a picture of my actual face and we will take this world by storm.

Meanwhile, I’m going to try to go not pay attention to these moods of mine.

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