Boy have I been missing in action recently.
Hubby and I went on a vacation. The week prior to the vacation was an exercise in organization and planning and completing tasks. It was an extremely stressful week for me. In a sense it was back to a life of deadlines. I had my tasks written out for each day and each day’s tasks needed to be completed before the next days tasks could begin. I was popping every Valium I am allowed to have in a day just trying to keep it together.
But, the payoff was amazing. We went on a cruise. We got an amazing deal and we decided to go for it.
Now, I know that I was still bipolar while I was on that ship. I know I still had Generalized Anxiety Disorder. But, I didn’t feel it. I felt normal.
Let that sink in.
I felt normal.
It makes sense. None of the normal day to day stressors and triggers. Nothing to have to accomplish. Wanna sit at the bar and drink and smoke all day? Ok. Wanna go in the pool? Ok. Wanna go to the Casino? Ok. Hey, let’s eat. Ok. When the day to day grind goes away and you’re not responsible for anything except your most basic needs like going to the bathroom and showering, it’s easy to lose all that stress and depression and racing thoughts and all those horrible things that we live with 24/7.
I even allowed a monkey to sit on my head.
I told people who asked about my tattoo exactly what it meant to me and that I’m bipolar. And I didn’t give a flying fig if they didn’t like it.
I was free. For one blessed week, I was free of it all. I can’t begin to tell you how relieved I was.
Sadly, my normal post-vacation routine kicked in right away and I developed a raging sinus infection and bronchitis. So, that kept me down for a couple weeks, too.
But I’m feeling better now, at least physically. Bipolar and GAD have settled back into my daily life. I’ve been having a hard time dealing, because I’ve been trying to hold onto the feelings that I had (or didn’t have) during my vacation. But, at therapy this morning, Karen encouraged me to come back here and write. Because there is much to be learned from the times when we feel good, as well as from the times we feel bad.
I hope that all of you have been ok. There’s no way I can catch up on the posts I’ve missed and for that I’m sorry, but it’s just not something I can do right now.
I have a lot of things I want to talk about coming up but a key one is disability. I have a question for all of you and answers can be emailed to me at email@example.com if you don’t want to leave them in the comments. The disability system needs an overhaul. Mentally ill patients wait years for disability to come through and some end up homeless or incarcerated as a result. I have been fortunate to have a husband with a job and health insurance. Yes, finances are tight, but we are doing ok. I’m the lucky one, and I know it. Anyone who is willing to share their stories about how they made it through that time between applying for disability and actually getting it, I’m really anxious to hear them. You can leave them in the comments if you like, but feel free to email them to me if you don’t want them public. And they never will be public. Ever. I promise.
Peace and love y’all.