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bipolar, bipolar blog, bipolar blogger, bipolar disorder, bipolar success, suicidal ideation, suicidal thoughts
Bipolar depression is here, again, still. I hate it. I hate feeling this way, and more than that, I hate feeling this way for no actual reason I can pinpoint. Nothing is wrong, in fact everything is going rather well. But, every afternoon this week, I have felt that dip. Today, the dip became a ditch and it started at dawn.
I knew it the second I woke up. I felt the low. You know the low that you can’t pretend you don’t feel? That one. I started to get up and hubby asked me where I was going. I managed to say ‘to make the coffee’ without being overly snippy. I mean, it’s where I go every morning! Why do you have to ask? But, he’s not being rude or mean, I am, bipolar is.
Therapy was slow to start today as I wasn’t really in the mood for talking. But, and I don’t remember what, something go me going on the way I measure success in my life now vs the way I measured it “then”.
For example, last week the rod in our closet fell down and all of our clothes ended up on the floor. So, while hubby fixed it, I went through every single item of clothing I own and tried everything on and sorted it into piles to keep in a drawer, re-hang, donate, or put in a tote in the garage. While I was at it I ran across several pair of pants that fit, that didn’t have drawstrings. And the very first thought was ‘ I should make a separate pile of these pants in case I have to be hospitalized again’. But, I didn’t do it. And that is considered a success in my life now.
I used to close real estate deals all day long. I used to be well-known in my area for being able to take the toughest deals and make them work. I had excellent problem solving abilities. I liked doing it. I managed two companies. At the same time. And then I went home and cleaned and did the laundry and cooked dinner and lived my life. These successes were important to me. I didn’t even have aspirations to do more. I loved doing what I did. I loved solving problems and getting people to understand what they needed to understand. I loved helping people buy their new homes in which they could make their own lives.
I was successful at a high stress, fast paced job that I adored. Now, I’m supposed to pat myself on the back because I got one load of laundry done.
I know that there are people out there who get diagnosed, get their meds worked out and go back to living fulfilling lives doing what they love. I will never be one of those people. Treatment resistant with co-occuring disorders, has crippled me.
Now my victories are small. They are things I never would have thought about twice in my old life. Made dinner – yeah so did every other person in the country – whoopee. Did laundry – yeah so did every other person in the country – yay. Didn’t organize my pants into which ones were suitable for the hospital and which ones weren’t.
The pants thing really bothers me. I know that I should be happy that I haven’t tried to organize my life so a hospital stay is easier to prepare for. But, I’m not. I see where it’s a success, but I think it’s a pathetic excuse for a success.
And then the passive suicidal ideation train drove through. I’ve taken to just calling it the “passive train”, because it tends to just drive by. It might be a long freight train or a shorter passenger train, but it keeps moving. Which is good, because if it stops, the only passenger is active ideation, and I don’t want that.
But, comparing these successes in my old life with the things I’m supposed to call success now, brought the passive train by. I feel like the expectations I need to meet are those of a child and I didn’t live all this life to end up feeling like the most I can accomplish is the same as a tween. And if that’s the best I can hope for, then what the heck is the point?
Thankfully, I’m not low enough yet that the point completely escapes me. The point, ultimately, is my family. They don’t look at my successes the way that I do. Hubby wants to know that I’m ok. And, if I’m ok, then he’s ok. He doesn’t look at me and think about what I used to do and accomplish and wish that was the way things are now. He looks at me and wants me healthy, bipolar or not.
morgueticiaatoms said:
I never had the years long stability and career/home life that you experienced. Still, that 14 month stretch (well, with a psych hospital stay in between followed by bolting the state during a manic bit and not even quitting my job first) stands out in my mind as what others view as being successful. I’ve never had a solid-ish 14 months without a meltdown to one extreme since. Putting on pants is my success some days. And it’s okay. Because I know how hard I am trying and how much it costs psychologically to try that hard 24-7. It’s no small feat.
We should all remember what our current successes are and how meaningful they are to us. The world’s expectations will only make our struggle that much worse.
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Leslie said:
You’re right and I know you’re right. Fortunately I don’t really care what the rest of the world thinks. But, unfortunately my standards for myself still haven’t come down to a realistic goal. I’m working on it though. 🙂
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morgueticiaatoms said:
Bipolar brain is scumbag brain so consider the source 😉
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Leslie said:
❤ Morgue
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swanyriver said:
Dear sweet Leslie just remember we are not measured by what we do but by who we are. You are the best person deep inside where it really counts and I have discovered this through my own health issues. You have consistently been there for your family and you are a treasure to them and your friends here. I am hoping you feel better soon and lifting you up in prayer. Sending you big hugs!❤
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Leslie said:
Thanks Ava. And I know that you are right. There are many many ways to judge my life, this is just the one that reared it’s ugly little head today. This issue is one of the biggest ones that I have with bipolar. Radical acceptance is good, but I’m going to have to find a way to make peace with this eventually. Thank you so much for your consistently kind words. ❤ ❤
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swanyriver said:
I know how bipolar attacks us all hoping you find peace soon.💜
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Leslie said:
Thanks honey!
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Pieces of Bipolar said:
‘radical acceptance’… this is the second time in two days I’m reading about this. Part of DBT? I think some research is in store
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Leslie said:
Yes, it’s part of DBT but it’s something that my therapist and I have been working on for years, even before we thought about DBT. It’s basically just accepting something even though you don’t like it. Sounds easy, really hard though
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Pieces of Bipolar said:
Its interesting. I’ve been doing some research on it. What strikes me is the part of exploring solutions. In difficulties, I bypass all reason and go straight to suicide as my solution. Radical acceptance is far less emotional
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Leslie said:
It’s less emotional certainly. But, it’s hard, because I’m always like a dog with a bone. “There must be a way”. But, sometimes there isn’t and acceptance is the only way to go.
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Pieces of Bipolar said:
I relate soooo much with your post, Leslie. The differing levels of success, the question do we ever get to lead fulfilling lives and the comparison of how I now am compared to the ‘you’ I used to be. Its very difficult to reconcile. I also like your analogy of the ‘passive train’. Its so true. I thought to myself the other day, I’ve become so unemotional about suicidal thoughts. Because I have them so often. And that worries me. It stands to reason the less emotional about an event the more likely it would be to play out. But for sure, where do we find success and stability within the illness of bipolar. I’m at a loss. Take meds? Don’t don’t take meds? Hospital? Disability? No worse, no better. So what are our options? Ugh, I just don’t know anymore. But thanks for your post. I really made me feel like I’m not alone ((hugs))
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Leslie said:
You are certainly not alone my dear. I think that all of us have all of these issues a lot of the time. ❤ ❤ ❤
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