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The “In Case of Emergency” information on my phone is HUGE!  I list my emergency contact and my blood type and my allergies, but I also list all of my medications.  It’s  a lengthy and daunting list and 95% of it is for bipolar disorder.

Lithium 300mg 3x/day – for Bipolar Disorder

Deplin 15 mg 1/day – Activated Folic Acid for depression

Gabapentin 600 3/day – Originally prescribed for Restless Leg Syndrome but pdoc upped the dose because “off-label” it’s good for stopping mania.

Trazadone 150mg at bedtime – For Sleep.  Getting proper sleep with bipolar disorder is almost more important than anything else.

Klonopin 1 mg 3/day – Anti-Anxiety med

Trintellix 5mg 1/day – Antidepressant.  We actually tried to up the dose on this awhile back and I started having bouts of hypomania.

Dicyclomine – Anti-diahreaheal.  Nice little side effect of so much anxiety

I also take Amitriptyline for pain, a cholesterol medication, an allergy medication and a vitamin.

All this, and I still don’t feel great.   I feel better than I did which is wonderful, and I’m grateful.  But, I always thought that when I got the right cocktail of meds I would feel normal.

And I don’t.

My moods aren’t swinging around as much anymore, but I’m stuck in this “kind of down” place.  It’s not full depression, but it’s probably a little depression.

On top of all this I go to therapy twice a week.  I love my therapist, she’s very good at what she does.

I don’t want to succumb to this mood.  I don’t want this to be the way I live my life.  My husband is beside himself at the number of medications I take and I’m still not “normal”.  ‘Why all these meds?’ he asks every so often (usually when my mood takes a dip).

The only answer that I have for him is that at the very least these meds have kept the mania away for years.

That’s the best explanation I can give him.  But, he’s never seen the mania, he’s seen the depression and I just can’t seem to kick that, no matter how many meds I take.