I’ve had it.  I’m tired of it.  I don’t want to deal with it anymore.

I want to wake up in the morning feeling rested and motivated, instead of tired and anxious.

I want to look forward to upcoming events on my calendar, instead of dreading the possibility that I won’t feel like participating.

I want to remember what my husband told me this morning while we talked.

I want to take fewer pills each day.

I want to plan fun things to do instead of being too tired to bother.

I want to talk with my family and not see the wheels turning in their heads about what they feel I’m capable of handling.

I want to work at a job that is useful to people, the way I used to.

I want to be done with endless doctor appointments.

I want to go out in the world, instead of hiding in my home to avoid all those people out there.

I’m tired of feeling tired.

I’m sick of feeling sick.

I’m tired of depression.

I’m tired of the constant struggle to give a shit.

I’m tired of worrying that all this worrying is going to put me back on the mental ward.

I’m tired of the constant anxiety.  The constant feeling that I’m standing on the edge of a cliff just praying the dirt doesn’t give out beneath my feet.

I try to pretend.  I try to put on a good show of feeling fine.  But, it’s hard work, all this pretending.  It’s exhausting.  It’s probably part of the reason I’m always so tired.  But, I can’t make myself stop pretending.  I feel a responsibility to not let my family suffer through my bipolar anymore then I have to.  But, I’m tired of watching myself fail in that attempt.  I see hubby hang his head or roll his eyes when things are going rough with me.  He doesn’t mean anything by it, but it’s extremely distressing for me.

Right now, I hate my life.  It was never supposed to be like this.  I had plans for my life, plans for my career.  And all those plans have gone to the trash bin now.  But, I miss those plans, those goals and I can’t get past the memory of them enough to make new ones.

I want to be one of those bipolars for whom the meds work great.  I want to get stablilized like they have and go back to work and feel fulfilled in my life.  I want to look forward to upcoming events with gusto not dread them in fear.

I want bipolar to be over now.

 

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