• About
  • Award Free Zone – click here
  • Contact Me

Normal is out there

~ Living with Bipolar, Anxiety and Depression…the good and the bad

Normal is out there

Monthly Archives: March 2018

Gone so long

22 Thursday Mar 2018

Posted by Leslie in Bipolar

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

group therapy, Intensive Outpatient Program, IOP, Major Depressive Episode, medications, nervous breakdown

It’s hard to believe how long it’s been since I last posted.  I’ve been inpatient for a week, outpatient for 5 or 6 weeks, on vacation for a week and down with a wretched case of bronchitis for the last three weeks.  I could have written while I was outpatient or while I was sick, but for some reason I couldn’t do it.  I had no ideas and no words would come trying to free write.  And it wasn’t for lack of stories.  I have plenty to talk about.

I think it was Fear.

A couple weeks into the Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) I realized two things.

First, I wasn’t bouncing back from this breakdown the way I used to.  I’ve had a Major Depressive Episode, or as I prefer to call them, Nervous Breakdown, three times already, this was my fourth.  I like the term nervous breakdown because, for me, it’s a much more accurate description of how I feel then Major Depressive Episode.  I usually don’t feel depressed when the episode rams into gear.  I feel lost and scared and jumpy as all hell.

I know that the point of going inpatient isn’t really to make us well.  It’s to make us stable.  Stable enough to go home and hang on until our next therapy and psychiatrist appointment.  You don’t get to leave the hospital until you have those appointments set.

Unless, you are going to IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) or a PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program).  I was sent to a facility that provided both.  Five weeks of PHP and one week of IOP had me ready to graduate.  Which, as nervous as I was about that, I was glad to be going home full time.

My meds were changed by about 90%.  Lots of new stuff to take, lots of new side effects to try to shake off.  I’m back on Seroquel, which was not my choice, and the weight gain begins again.  I explained to the psychiatrist in the hospital that Seroquel has a major effect on my weight, but he told me that I couldn’t possibly be right because the packaging indicates a weight gain around 9 pounds  He didn’t believe me when I told him that the last time I gained nearly 60 pounds.  So Seroquel it is for now.  They took me off Trintellix, BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T HAVE IT.  Two days in, they told me to have hubby bring it from home.  He made a special trip and then they took me off it anyway.

PHP and IOP were a lot better.  Comfortable building, nice group therapy rooms, an on-staff psychiatrist, who was literally the best psychiatrist I have ever seen in my life.  Sadly, he doesn’t work in private practice and the only two psychiatrists he could recommend don’t take insurance.

Group therapy can be a dicey proposition.  It really comes down to the make up of the group and the facilitator.  For instance, I used to be really freaked out about cutting.  And during that tine, I was in a group with a cutter.  And it was very unsettling for me, so I didn’t get as much from the group as I might have otherwise.  Thankfully, my understanding of cutting is much better now, so when a woman who cut came to the PHP, it didn’t bother me.  I was extremely lucky to end up with a great group with wonderful people and excellent facilitators.  When I left, I was nervous, but I felt that I was re-armed by the coping skills I would need.

But, I digress.  Not only did I realize that I wasn’t bouncing back the same as I had previously, but I also realized that my life was never ever going to be the same again.  I felt my weakness.

See, I had always assumed, and worked towards this as much as possible, that my life would return to normal again.  I would feel good.  I would be able to work.  I would no longer end up in the psych ward or PHP or IOP.  Meds could be a thing of the past,

All I had to do was work hard enough.

But, it’s a lie.  And this is what terrifies me.

Day to day is a crapshoot as to how much I can get done.  There is an exhaustion that goes with where I am right now in my recovery, that I just can’t seem to escape.  I’m in bed by 8.  I generally don’t wake up till 7:30 or 8:00 am.  That’s a lot of sleep.  Sometimes I wake rested and sometimes I don’t.  I work my hardest to get things done by 2:00 because I usually start to crash around then.  Sometimes, I get a decent amount of stuff done, sometimes not.  But, when I don’t get much accomplished, I’m crippled with guilt about not getting more done.

And not having a job?  Oh my, that’s a bad one.  I’ve worked since I was a child, cleaning shelves in my Dad’s store.  I have worked ever since then.  I tied my identity to my Title Insurance work and have not been able to untie it yet.  The guilt of not working is intense and I think about it every day.  I talk about it in therapy more then I would like to have to.

Not bouncing back the way I used to and the feeling that I’m less then other people because I can’t work terrify me.  Is this a precursor of things to come?  Are things going to get worse?  If I end up inpatient again will it take even longer to bounce back?

I don’t know the answers to these questions.  No one does.  And I know many of you are struggling with one or both of these issues.  I know I’m not alone.  And that gives me some comfort.

Share this:

  • Tweet
  • Email
  • Print
  • Share on Tumblr
  • Pocket
  • Telegram
  • WhatsApp

Like this:

Like Loading...
Follow Normal is out there on WordPress.com

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 639 other followers

Follow me on Twitter!

  • View normalisoutther’s profile on Twitter
March 2018
M T W T F S S
 1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031  
« Dec   May »

Archives

  • May 2022
  • April 2022
  • January 2022
  • December 2021
  • November 2021
  • September 2021
  • August 2021
  • July 2021
  • June 2021
  • May 2021
  • April 2021
  • March 2021
  • February 2021
  • January 2021
  • November 2020
  • October 2020
  • September 2020
  • December 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • May 2019
  • March 2018
  • December 2017
  • November 2017
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • August 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
  • March 2016
  • February 2016
  • January 2016
  • December 2015
  • November 2015
  • October 2015
  • September 2015
  • August 2015
  • July 2015
  • June 2015

Addiction Anxiety Bipolar bipolar blog bipolar blogger Bipolar Depression Bipolar Type 1 blogging coping skills Death Depression Disability Drug addiction Generalized Anxiety Disorder gratefulness hypomania Insomnia Lamictal Medication Mental Health Mental Illness Mixed Episode Panic Attack Politics Psychiatrist stigma Suicide Therapist Uncategorized World Suicide Prevention Day

Blogs I Follow

Promote your Book!

Looking to promote your book? Try here

Recent Comments

Leslie on Writing therapy
Ashley L. Peterson on Writing therapy
Leslie on Writing therapy
morgueticiaatoms on Writing therapy
Leslie on Writing therapy

Blog at WordPress.com.

Mending My Mental Mind

Navigating the world while at war with my brain.

Swimming Upstream

Fighting the current of life.

Bipolar Bandit (Michelle Clark)

If you want to know more about bipolar disorder, other mental illnesses and/or mental health advocacy, you are in the right place.

Kate Is Rising

Bipolar and the Buddha

My blog about the intersection of Bipolar Disorder and Buddhism

saania2806.wordpress.com/

Philosophy is all about being curious, asking basic questions. And it can be fun!

Bipolar For Life

Memoirs of a Wounded Healer

I Am My Own Island

Because We all need to find a way to live with ourselves

a pause, not an end;

My Bipolar II Journey: Rebuilding Life After the Diagnosis

Color Me Bipolar

A Bipolar Life

Samantha's New World

Welcome to my new life!

Shatter Insanity

Insanity is only visible until you yourself become insane.

cloudy with sunny intervals

the musings and motions of a damaged mind and a good heart

Behind These Hazel Eyes

Bipolar Life With Hazel Hillboro

disability advocate, 50something mom of two, my son has charcot marie tooth disease

charcot marie tooth--i'm not here to be average, i'm here to be f....ing amazing!!!!

@udtherabbithole

Up and Down the Rabbit Hole

My battle to return from bipolar depression

PsychPerspectives

a place to reflect

My Bipolar Story.

wordpress5944

The invisible lady with invisible illnesses. But I am making it, one day at time.

Just Turn Left

Meandering Across China & East Asia

The Daily Post

The Art and Craft of Blogging

Dating Disabled

Love doesn't see weakness, it sees courage

Brain Different

Learning to value being Brain Different

theradioactivepatient

music, mindfulness, community, strength

Yve's Corner

Welcome to my corner- make yourself at home!

Beautifully Random Stuff

A topnotch WordPress.com site

101 Books

Reading my way through Time Magazine's 100 Greatest Novels since 1923 (plus Ulysses)

I'm Mama, but I'm still me...

Mama, Ma'am, Medic, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Friend and Confidant

Lucky Otters Haven

Ruminations, ramblings, and rants about narcissism and trauma, politics, human nature, religion, pop culture, writing, and almost everything else

Grief Happens

So Does Joy

purplepersuasion

Mental health blog by a service user with bipolar disorder. Winner of the Mark Hanson Award for Digital Media at the Mind Media Awards

Claya Caper is Differently Ordered

in the meh. out the meh. beyond the meh.

a comic-blog on life with mental illness

confessions92.wordpress.com/

The Bipolar Compass

It's OK to feel lost every once in awhile

Bipolar Barbie-Q

I was just getting seasick from seeing too much

Straight White Man Seeks Knowledge

Sharing thoughts and listening to different voices to learn more about the world and himself

H.M. Jones

Fiction, Poetry and Prose

Problems With Infinity

blahpolar

bipolar, uninterrupted

From Food Stamps To A Future

It's never too late for a fresh start!

Journey of a Mental Mommy

Living, Loving, and Learning this BiPolar Life

Motivating Giraffe

jessicamckaylifestyle

Have Life, Will Live

This Way Up

Seven Tools for Unleashing Your Creative Self and Transforming Your Life

Phil the Pill

Billy in Blunderland

To Be an Equal

A Day in The Life of Micha, the Author, the Therapist.

Privacy & Cookies: This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use.
To find out more, including how to control cookies, see here: Cookie Policy
  • Follow Following
    • Normal is out there
    • Join 639 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • Normal is out there
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
loading Cancel
Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
Email check failed, please try again
Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.
%d bloggers like this: