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I’m coming to the conclusion that, if Normal is indeed out there, I’m not destined to see it ever.

My search has always been to “get back” to Normal.  No more depression, no more anxiety.  No more suicidal thoughts, passive or active.  No more feeling like I’m letting down every single person that I know now or ever will know.  No more feeling like, no matter how hard I try, I will still, somehow, come up short.  No more skewed perspective either.  Is it me?  Is it them?  I really don’t know anymore.

If you read Hello again, you know that the major physical issues that I had at the beginning of the year have been masking my mental issues, but that things seem to have gotten worse.  Now, they are taking a dramatic turn for the worse.

I’ve been low all week.  I volunteer at a local resource center and Monday I went in for the food giveaway.  We got everything set up, no mean feat, and I was ready to stay for the giveaway.  But, I couldn’t do it.  My mind was done for the day.  It had already turned in for bed even though I was still walking around.  My mood was so low it was hard to remain standing.  I had to leave.  Of course, when things are like this I don’t see that as taking care of myself, I see it as skipping out on the poverty stricken who need help.

Sorry everyone…I’m too depressed.

It sounds horrible to me even now.

But, things have decidedly taken a turn for the worse.  My psychiatrist has changed my anti-depressant from Lexapro to Pristiq.  She’s trying really hard to keep my depression AND my anxiety in check without using much Klonopin.  We’ll see.  I have this lingering feeling that I’ve been on Pristiq before, but she didn’t see it in her records and the drug store can only look up the last two years (which is a whole other rant).  I’m trying really hard to take this with a good attitude, but my fears of awful side effects just won’t settle.  Probably because every switch brings a new side effect to mess with me.

Yesterday was the worst though.  Hubs and I go to my therapist together every couple weeks.  But, the last time was very tense and we got in a HUGE fight afterwards.  Yesterday the session was not too bad, but afterwards…I don’t know what happened.  The fight was huge.  I think it was mostly his fault, but I’m so depressed that maybe it was my fault.  I don’t even know anymore.  Here’s what I do know…

I threatened to kill myself.

I meant it, too.  I think I have enough Klonopin to do the job, but I have a ton of other meds, too.  It should be super easy.

Hubs loves me so much and he was very serious and believable that he didn’t want that.  And I know he doesn’t.  But I did.  Kind of still do.

It would be so easy.  Plenty of meds to do the job.  And then peace.  Hubs would suffer for a little while I suppose, but he has kids and grandkids and work to keep him busy.  The life insurance policy would enable him to pay off the house and all the bills, so he’d be set.  And I suspect his life would become a LOT easier.  I just want him to be happy, and I don’t believe that I’m making him happy.

I know all of this is really twisted.  I know it’s my mind messing with me.  But, I can’t make it stop.

I still have the willpower to let the Pristiq kick in and see if it works.

But, it better work.