So, not bad. I’m a veteran of this particular program so I wasn’t nervous going in there. At least not too much. My counselor, Patsy, from the last two times is still there although she is in more of a managerial position now. However, she will lead groups this week and next to cover vacations so YAY! Ah…what makes me happy these days is some pretty simple shit. There is a male counselor there, Sean, that I’m not over the moon about but it’s more of a style issue than it is about him knowing what he needs to know. And there is now a third counselor, Sarah, who is on vacation this week.
There are now two nurses, which is great. John has been there and I know him well and Faye is new and very cool. They will monitor my general physical health and John is a great listener. I don’t know about Faye yet, by I suspect she is the same
The psychiatrist I was so excited to see again is no longer there. However, he has well trained his replacement. She is younger but very kind. And very eager to listen. Which is incredibly helpful. I know my meds. I’ve been taking meds for my mental health for a long time now, and I know what my body and mind are saying. I need someone to listen and have ideas, while taking mine into account. So, we increased my Trileptal, and we left my Anafranil alone for now. However, we are considering Depakote is the Trileptal doesn’t hold. It’s amazing to her that I’ve never been on it. And considering how amazed she is, I’m amazed, too. I thought I’d been on pretty much everything. Turns out, that I haven’t been on the old stuff, just the new stuff. Trileptal is old, Depakote is old even the Anafranil is old. She’s also putting me on Vistaril to go along with the Klonopin. My anxiety has been so bad lately that I’ve been taking my Klonopin 3-4 times a day instead of the 2 that I get. Hopefully the Vistaril will help.
Group itself started a little rocky because no one was wearing masks. These are small rooms. There were 12 people in there and it fills the room in chairs along all the walls. I can’t do the no mask thing. I understand why they don’t require vaccines. You can’t turn away a person in a mental health crisis, you just can’t. It is what it is and I would never suggest differently. But, COVID is here. It’s not my fault or your fault or their fault but it has to be handled. We have three elderly parents between us. Two have heart problems, one has lung problems. And I need treatment, too. So, once everyone got masked up things were better. I got out a little of what has been going on and cried some, which helped some.
If you’ve never done group therapy, it can be a little intimidating. This is my third time in this program and my sixth time through a group therapy program in general. You have to talk. You have to share your stuff and help with other people’s stuff. Sometimes some of your stuff gets resolved without even talking about it because someone else talks about the same sort of problem. A lot of people in this group are graduating this week which is actually good, because they are young. I mean…young. The girl sitting next to me was still in high school and the rest were in their 20’s. We have a lot of Air Force and Navy around here and a lot of them end up in this program. But, while the content of the story may be different, the emotions underneath are often the same. And we can all understand the emotions.
I don’t need inpatient. While I am suicidal, it’s somewhat transitory. For instance, right now? Not so much. Sunday? I was ready to drive my car into a tree. Some days it doesn’t exist at all or it’s passive. Not a plan just a general not caring if something were to just take me out.
There is so much going on in my life right now. But, I want to enjoy Christmas. I want to take some pleasure in the season and I have no chance of that without this program.