I wrote this on Sunday morning, but my temper and patience petered out at the end and I really couldn’t deal with it anymore.
So the pent up sketchiness I’ve been feeling since Friday busted out briefly last night.
Joe and I went out and bought some area rugs for the house. We’ve been here for 9 years. It’s been past time to do this for 8 years. We just got our tax refund so we finally did it. But we messed up a measurement for the hallway runner, so we tried it in the kitchen. But, all the rooms are kind of connected and all the carpets have a pattern. I said that I wasn’t sure all the patterns together worked. But he wasn’t so sure he believed me. His mom was nearby so he called her over for her opinion. And her opinion was the same as mine. And now he’s paying attention. And I said ‘That’s the same thing I said, but NOW you’re listening?’ Yikes. The next problem was that she went on and on about the pattern problem. And on. And on. And finally I cracked just a little bit. ‘Ok I got it’ with a tone that was not pleasing to the ear and a not so very subtle look. She said ‘Fine, never mind.’ He gave a dramatic sigh and walked away. When he returned she asked if he was mad at her and I said ‘No, he’s mad at me’. I apologized to her because I knew I should, not because I really wanted to.
This story still irritates me. What I wrote above was just the events and my feelings about them. No justifications. No rationalizations. Just how I felt as the events were unfolding.
I’ve been edgy for days. My temper has boiled just below the surface escaping here and there in the form of dirty looks, eye rolling and slightly snide comments. Mostly, I’ve been able to hide the facial expressions. The comments have been mostly mumbled, under my breath, and gone unnoticed. Or, at least, no one has commented on them.
I have a tendency to write these emotions off as the other person’s fault. ‘She’s being a bitch tonight’ and ‘Why’s he such a jerk’ are common thoughts when I feel like this. Because I write these off as the other person’s problem, I don’t take the Klonopin which would chill me out and lower my temperature. I haven’t taken it for several days and these have been a rough several days. I really should have some internal alarm that goes off when I think that even the dog is out to get me, but I don’t. A Klonopin would have smoothed me out nicely and possibly helped me avoid these moments.
Because, let’s face it, it cannot always be the other person’s fault. At some point, don’t I really have to look at this and realize that my Mother in Law is who she is and I need to find a way to deal with that? She’s 71, she’s not changing. She’s also never moving out. She is here to stay and it’s high past time I find a way to cope with that truth. Warts and all. And as I write this the alarm bells DO start to go off in my head, but not the ones I expect.
Y’all this is the Radical Acceptance my therapist and I are constantly working on. Accept the situation because it is what is is. No matter how much I may or may not enjoy the reality, it is what it is. No amount of bitching, moaning or eye rolling is going to change it.
So, it’s time to find a way to deal with it.