Medication Cocktail Problems

Tags

anger, anxiety, baseline, bipolar, depression, lamictal, memory, memory loss, Mental Health, seroquel, seroquel xr

Next week is my appointment with pdoc.  I just saw her two weeks ago, but I wanted to come back quickly so we could see if I would be able to lose weight while I’m on Seroquel XR.

I’m not losing weight.  I’m walking.  I’m eating healthier.  But I’m not losing anything but my patience.

Now I’m considering ditching the Lamictal as well.  My memory is awful.  Desperately awful.  Anxiety inducing, furious Leslie making awful.

Simply put, my memory sucks.

And, as far as I can remember (ridiculous, I know) it wasn’t like this before I was diagnosed and medicated.  I know that I used to work at a high stress job and memory was critical.  And I excelled.  But I don’t really have a handle on how my memory was before my nervous breakdown (yeah yeah major depressive episode..whatevs).   I started Lamictal just before my mental health hospital stint and have continued it since.

I ranted on this theme at therapy this morning.  Is it the illness?  Is it the meds?  Will it get better?  Are the memories gone or just not accessible?  What happens if I stop the Lamictal?  Will I be able to regulate my moods on something else?  Is my quality of living impaired enough that I’m willing to hop back on the med-go-round? (yes, I think)

And I’m not just looking at the Lamictal.  I’m also looking at the Seroquel XR.  It’s scary to think that I need to ditch two of my meds.

But, it’s also scary to realize that I have forgotten so many things.  Memories of doing things with hubby that are gone.  I no longer have access to them.  Some of the things I don’t remember are scary.  Like driving somewhere and suddenly realizing that I’m lost.  I don’t know where I am and I don’t know how I got lost.  And then I realize that I’m not lost.  I’m on the road I drive several times a week, every week, and I forgot what it looked like.  Or stopping mid-sentence because the word I want is missing from my vocabulary suddenly and I can’t even come up with something similar enough to use.  And once I find the word, I forgot what I was talking about.  I forget what the sentence I’m in the middle of saying was about.  I find that to be some seriously disturbing.

And it’s making me angry.  And frustrated.

The medications I’m considering changing are actually working on my moods fairly well. I’m always anxious, but I think that’s just the way it’s gonna be from now on, and I can live with that.  But, I’m at the point where I’m really concerned that the side effect cost is becoming too high.  It’s great that I don’t go into a deep depression or a manic phase, or, God forbid a mixed episode.  I’m thrilled about that.  But the anger and frustration that I’m experiencing as a result of the side effects are starting to become a problem.  I have to consider that the anger and frustration could eventually become so bad that they negate the effectiveness of the meds anyway.  And then I would really be screwed.

I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I have a week and two more therapy appointments to decide.

Good days

Tags

ambien, bipolar, disability, medications, Mental Health, Mental Illness, rainy day, seroquel

It’s interesting that I find it so difficult to write when I’m having a good day.  Bad day? I’m scribbling away as fast as I can to get it all out.  All the venom and anger and sadness.  But, when the mood is good, there just isn’t that much to say.

I think the Seroquel is working.  We just added in Ambien (where the hell were our brains that we hadn’t tried freaking Ambien???) for sleep which is working very well. I’m going to have to start taking the meds for my intersticial cystitis again because that is acting up again.

But, basically, my mood has been pretty good.

Yesterday, I went to the grand opening of a new grocery store, Earth Fare, in our area. They were offering amazing specials and some gift card giveaways, and the bargain hunter in me could not resist.  However, the claustrophobic part of me, would not allow me to think long enough to purchase anything, or even do some meaningful price comparisons, as every single person in my town was there.  All at the same time.  Or at least that’s how it felt.  So, I left, giving my empty shopping cart back to the lady in charge of carts for the day (embarrassed that it was empty) and ran to my car as fast as my boot cast would let me.  Even my MIL, who had been dying to go there, wouldn’t go after I told her about the crowds.  I’ll try again once the novelty has worn off.

It’s rainy here today, which for me is the perfect do nothing day.  When I worked, I was always more liable to burn a sick day on a rainy day, then a sunny one.  I love to lay in bed and listen to the rain.  It’s so soothing.  Unless it’s a downpour, then I worry about the sump pump under the house.  But, today is that nice steady, but not hard, rainfall day that I love.

I’m grateful for the day of feeling good.  There are several long term projects that I really want to work on, and maybe today is a good time to think about them.  Disability in the country is absolutely absurd, and I feel compelled to try to do something about it. I’m not sure what I can do that will make a difference, but I definitely need to do some research and maybe I can work on that today.  I know at some point, it’s going to require a petition of some sort and some anecdotal evidence, but I have no real idea of where to start.  I need to research and I need to make notes.  All of which is impossible during a good day.  Plus, I don’t want to do this before my own disability comes through. I don’t want to fuck up my chances of getting my disability.

But, maybe today I just enjoy feeling decent.  Get a couple of chores done.  Like laundry and cleaning up the kitchen.  That wouldn’t be a bad thing!  lol