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Normal is out there

~ Living with Bipolar, Anxiety and Depression…the good and the bad

Normal is out there

Tag Archives: rant

Walking the razor’s edge

23 Monday Oct 2017

Posted by Leslie in Bipolar

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

bipolar blog, Bipolar Depression, rant, sick

It’s been so long since I’ve written anything.  And not because I’ve had nothing to say, but because I’ve had too much to say.  I’ve been unable to sort through the noise in my head and pluck out one thought and write.  So, I’m just going to sort of dump everything out and see if I can sort through it from there.

Jr. moved back in about 5 weeks ago.  Regardless of my feelings that this time will be easier, it’s been the same pain in the ass that’s it’s been every other time.  He’s lazy, irresponsible, and generally irritating.  He’s sleeping on my couch, so my living room is pretty much always occupied, leaving me to spend most of my time in the bedroom.  The bedroom is only big enough for a bed, so now I spend most of my time in bed.  This is a bad situation for my anxiety and my depression as well as my anger.

Disability is finally approved and being paid.  While this is a really great thing, I feel resigned to being a housewife forever.  I’m not good at being a housewife.  In fact, I hate most parts of it.  Keeping the laundry done, keeping the house clean, keeping enough food in the house so I can cook dinner every night.  It sucks.  Of course, Jr.’s presence makes some of these things harder.

In order to give myself something else to think about, I have started volunteering at our Community Resource Center.  This is actually something that I like doing.  It gets me out of my head and has me concentrating on doing things for the less fortunate.  However, I have a tendency to dive into this work too deeply and have to live with the anxiety of what I have committed to.

Medically, I’m a mess.  My bipolar meds are actually ok, or at least as they’re going to get for now.  But, I have pinched nerves in both elbows, both of which will require surgery to fix.  I’ve had sinus infection after sinus infection for the last month.  They’ve done a CT of my sinuses, which was clear and they’ve sent a scope up there (which was a joy) and everything was clear.  So now it’s allergy testing, which is fine, but I can’t take my claritin or my klonopin all week.  So, I’ll be extra snotty, both in my nose and my mood.  Not taking my klonopin is really bothering me.  I’m just praying that by not taking my anxiety medication I don’t end up off the deep end.  I already feel like I’m walking a fine line between sort of ok and definitely not ok.

I don’t know whether I’m coming or going half the time.  Like I said, the meds are actually working pretty well.  But, for some reason, and I suspect physical health problems and bipolar, I just can’t seem to get it together.

How long can I live without getting it together?

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My anxiety….or is it mania?

18 Tuesday Aug 2015

Posted by Leslie in Anxiety, Bipolar

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

anxiety, ativan, coloring, mania, medications, mood, mood journal, rant

Therapy today.  Went into it completely prepared to spill the guilt that I absolutely can’t get rid of, and ended up in an anxiety fueled rant prepared to come home and throw away every single thing that I own that hasn’t been used since the weekend, because my house is just too fucking small and we are NEVER going to get around to building that extra bedroom and we are going to live in our tiny little room for the rest of our lives and that will just be the way it is for now and forever.  I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but we took out three bedroom home and converted 2 1/2 rooms into one large bedroom for my MIL.  We live in the half bedroom that is left.  The proceeds of the sale of her house last year was supposed to pay for a small addition, but we haven’t gotten that far yet, she spending her money like she has billions and it’s been a year in this itty bitty room that barely fits our bed let alone all of our shit or me now that I weigh 3 tons.

Deep breath

This is why I could never use a journal for any reliably long period of time.  I just can not write fast enough to keep up with my mind, but I usually can get close with a keyboard.

ANYway

I just took my 3rd ativan for the day.  I only get 4, but I have a feeling that I’ll be stretching that a bit.  Not cause I want to but this is getting cray cray.  This morning it was high anxiety, but now I’m starting to really wonder if some mania isn’t creeping around in there.  I’m just moving around way too fast and my brain is just way to unorganized.  And I’m not in a particularly bad mood either.  Generally anxiety will bring out the bitch but so far…not so much.

I bought a little notebook yesterday and am using it to record relevant facts about my day.  Things like when I took my meds, when I went to sleep and woke (and why), that I wrote my blog, read blogs, etc.  Karen (therapist) said that it’s basically a mood journal but less structured.  I hate those things that make me rate on a scale of 1-10 (I don’t know…a 6.5?) or God-for-freaking-bid; very anxious, kind of anxious, a little anxious, not anxious or depressed, a little depressed, kind of depressed, very depressed.  Those things make me really super duper extra-special anxious/depressed because I. DON’T. FREAKING. KNOW. ANY. MORE.

I’m tired of the continuous analyzing of every single thought and emotion that run through my head.  It feel like my head should just pop off my neck from the force of not just all those thoughts and emotions running around but the accompanying running analysis.  Some other time when I’m feeling like this, but haven’t drained my battery yet, I’m just going to sit down and type every thought that goes through my head, just to see what happens.

So I’m hyper but exhausted.  Gonna haul out my coloring book and see if I can’t find something mindless on TV.

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