It’s been so long since I’ve written anything. And not because I’ve had nothing to say, but because I’ve had too much to say. I’ve been unable to sort through the noise in my head and pluck out one thought and write. So, I’m just going to sort of dump everything out and see if I can sort through it from there.
Jr. moved back in about 5 weeks ago. Regardless of my feelings that this time will be easier, it’s been the same pain in the ass that’s it’s been every other time. He’s lazy, irresponsible, and generally irritating. He’s sleeping on my couch, so my living room is pretty much always occupied, leaving me to spend most of my time in the bedroom. The bedroom is only big enough for a bed, so now I spend most of my time in bed. This is a bad situation for my anxiety and my depression as well as my anger.
Disability is finally approved and being paid. While this is a really great thing, I feel resigned to being a housewife forever. I’m not good at being a housewife. In fact, I hate most parts of it. Keeping the laundry done, keeping the house clean, keeping enough food in the house so I can cook dinner every night. It sucks. Of course, Jr.’s presence makes some of these things harder.
In order to give myself something else to think about, I have started volunteering at our Community Resource Center. This is actually something that I like doing. It gets me out of my head and has me concentrating on doing things for the less fortunate. However, I have a tendency to dive into this work too deeply and have to live with the anxiety of what I have committed to.
Medically, I’m a mess. My bipolar meds are actually ok, or at least as they’re going to get for now. But, I have pinched nerves in both elbows, both of which will require surgery to fix. I’ve had sinus infection after sinus infection for the last month. They’ve done a CT of my sinuses, which was clear and they’ve sent a scope up there (which was a joy) and everything was clear. So now it’s allergy testing, which is fine, but I can’t take my claritin or my klonopin all week. So, I’ll be extra snotty, both in my nose and my mood. Not taking my klonopin is really bothering me. I’m just praying that by not taking my anxiety medication I don’t end up off the deep end. I already feel like I’m walking a fine line between sort of ok and definitely not ok.
I don’t know whether I’m coming or going half the time. Like I said, the meds are actually working pretty well. But, for some reason, and I suspect physical health problems and bipolar, I just can’t seem to get it together.
How long can I live without getting it together?