Tags
anxiety, bipolar, couple's therapy, depression, emotion, emotional intensity, emotions, furious, helping, hurt feelings
So, I promised an update when I had pondered some questions a little further. The one I have been really working on is
Trying to seriously figure out how do I deal when I know the emotion is appropriate, but the intensity is completely off. How to pretend that I’m not wicked pissed when I know I should only be a teensy weensy bit pissed (or happy or sad or whatever)
I’m making nearly no progress on this front. Tara K. Pisano wrote this piece where she used the analogy of the intensity of our reactions under a layer of stain or varnish. The stain distorts our view of how our reactions should be.
I took hubby to therapy with me on Friday. He has come with me in the past, usually when we get so stressed over my moods that the only way I can figure out how to explain things (as much as you can explain bipolar) is to have the therapist facilitate the discussion.
The session actually went really well. I was able to explain that I SEE the intensity of my reactions is off. I know I’m way too sad or way too angry. But knowing it, seeing it, doesn’t give me the ability to fix it.
And, I’m still trying to deal with that intensity. The step-children think I help too much and try to take over situations. I think; ok, I hear that…but you asked for help. And I KNOW that the appropriate reaction is to have my feelings hurt a little, but back off from assisting and start just listening and commiserating more.
But, I can’t. I’m furious.
FURIOUS.
I see that I shouldn’t be. I don’t understand where I helped too much. The most recent issue was that J needed to be in a heroin detox and rehab facility immediately. “A” had been trying to find one but couldn’t. I did. It took me 15 minutes, I didn’t ask for accolades, and I didn’t want them.
When this particular issue came up, I was inside A’s house watching the grandbaby (Bug) while she, her husband and my husband sat on the front porch and smoked. I don’t smoke, so I watched the Bug. No biggie.
So, she was outside telling hubby that the 3 step-kids think I help too much, while I was inside the house helping. I wanted to help, I love watching Bug, but I didn’t really have a choice in the matter. And while I was doing it, she was outside telling hubby that the step-kids think I help too much.
Now, A is sick. She was in the hospital, again. I’ve said nothing. Actually, I said that I hoped she felt better on her Facebook post about being in the hospital (don’t get me started). She talked to hubby yesterday and told him what they think is wrong. I looked it up for hubby so he, and I, could know more.
Then she texted me. And the text started ‘For Dad’ and proceeded to explain her condition. Why text that to me and not her Dad? My answer was purely basic. I said I’d tell him. She said thanks. I said ‘you’re welcome’.
And that’s it. Because the intensity of the reaction is so out of proportion with how it should be that I can barely be civil, even though I GET THAT THEY GET TO FEEL THE WAY THEY FEEL.
The phrase “act your age not your shoe size” has been going through my head a lot since this happened. I’m 46. My shoe size is 6 ½.
And I feel like I’m acting like I’m 6½. I feel like I’m having an emotional tantrum.
And I have no idea how to stop it.
Normal is out there 
I’ve been having some similar issues lately, but on the other hand, I’m really hurt that people won’t just be straight with me about what is really going on. I see some mixed messages happening to you. If you help too much, why do people keep asking you for help or at the very least be more clear about the limit to the help they want? Of course, I don’t know the entirety of the situation, but that’s what I’m seeing from my point of view.
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A lot of what you’re seeing is the truth. Don’t tell me that my step-son is bottoming out on heroin, you’ve spent weeks looking for a facility and can’t find one. I guarantee I’m gonna run with that…I can’t help it. And for that, I won’t apologize.
What I don’t know is if this is all about me finding a rehab for J or if there is more behind this. And of course this information has come from J to A, then combined with A’s impressions, delivered to hubby and then told to me. I’m like 4 times removed from the action here.
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That sucks. 😦
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Truly
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I wish I had the answer for you. Sometimes I feel as though I’m holding so much stuff it’s slowly eating away at me.
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Hubby mentioned in therapy that he feels like I am never happy. It’s hard to feel lighthearted when you are watching every word you utter and every thought you have.
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Well yes – and you’re bipolar. It’s not only difficult for him, it’s freaking difficult for you….. And it’s not like it’s the easiest thing in the world to manage either.
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And the bipolar is the part he really doesn’t understand. And how could he? The way he thinks is a complete mystery to me. Take that and twist it this way and that way on a random up and down schedule.
I love that he is willing to do this with me. To help talk it out, to try to understand. We are going to make this an every other month thing.
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That’s good to hear xx
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I over react in every fight I have with my hubby and it isn’t fair to him, the guilt afterwards makes me then depressed. I wish I could just pause each fight, regain control and then go on. Btw I have terrible hiccups atm, so typing is hard
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Every once in awhile, I wish that I still smoked. Smoking gave me the opportunity to pause anything and leave the immediate vicinity for 5 minutes or so. Now that I don’t smoke anymore, I have the same problem that you do.
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Yup totally get you on that. My escape was cutting but I’ve been clean for 3 months now
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Good for you!
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I have a method to discerning my overreactions from legit feelings and I stick to it . If something “sets” me off in a way where I could easily start crying, swearing, blaming, yelling, etc…I walk away and simply delay a reaction.
IF it’s still bothering me a day or two later, and the intensity is more a thorn in the paw than a knife in the back…I know it’s something I need to discuss because it troubles me.
If after the day or two I am still feeling it like a knife in the back, I know more than likely my mental state is to blame.
Often what happens is that I forget why I was so bent in the first place.
And if I don’t forget but I can put it into adequate words with appropriate emotion…Then I have spared others my wrath and saved myself from burning bridges.
You don’t always have time to “walk away” but when you can…It can make all the difference. I wish it hadn’t taken me til age 36 to figure it out.
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Do you spend a lot of time turning the event over and over in your head while you are waiting? Because this sounds like a really great idea, yet what always gets me is that I HAVE to get it out of my head. Otherwise it just rolls around in there and starts screaming at me. I guess finding a coping skill (ah my therapist would be so proud) that would allow me to walk away and engage my brain would help. I have a small greenhouse in the back yard that hubby built for me and sometimes I can run away and hide out there.
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The only thing obsessive compulsive about me is how I turn impending events over in my head to the point of a brain implosion. I try to distract myself but it’s like this rainbow colored elephant in the room and it’s sitting on my foot and I want to scream…
Otherwise I am a well balanced perfectly sane person.
Sane-ish.
Sort of.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
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It sounds like a good story to me!
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I haven’t read the other comments because I don’t want to be swayed. Possibly, most likely this is because I too am bipolar…. I SEE NO FAULT IN YOUR INTENSITY. I think they are rude. And this comes from personal experience – it’s easy for them to pick on you because they can blame ‘bipolar’. Then they don’t have to be accountable for the way in which they treat you. This has been done to me my whole life. So you’re intense! You have bipolar! THEY need to be understanding and tolerant of that and take it into account when dealing with you. Why must you tread lightly and try to change who you intrinsically are? You’re aware of the problem and you don’t allow harm to anyone. For me that’s the bottom line. So you’re all good on your side morally. Now they need to have a bit of fecking respect for you! Geez, now I’m angry!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Oh no! Don’t get upset on my account! They don’t know that I have bipolar…all they know is that I’ve had a couple nervous breakdowns
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Oh. You don’t have to answer, but I’m curious as to why? Would it not enlighten them and lighten your load. But that’s just my personal feeling, no judgements, offense intended.
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I think that, for now, hubby and I are still trying to wrap our heads around this. I fully intend to tell, at least A (I don’t think that there is any deep conversation waiting to happen with the boys). There is also a worry that they will draw away from me, or not want my (step)grandson to be around me. The there is the very real probability that it will be discussed with the mother, and if there is one person in the entire world that I don’t want to know my business, it’s the mother. I’m just not secure enough in myself yet. I haven’t reached the point where I don’t care who knows.
No offense taken….it’s a really good question!
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Okay, thank for explaining it to me. I understand now. I’m very much single and alone, but can see how, with a family, their are loads of considerations to take into account. And I totally get not wanting someone to know your business
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I like when I get asked thoughtful questions like that. It really makes me consider why (or why not) I do certain things or make certain decisions. So thanks!!!
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