Tags
anxiety, bipolar, bipolar blog, bipolar blogger, Cognitive Impairment, DBT, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, emotional mind, reasoning mind, Wise mind
So, I’m having a pretty bad day..stress wise. My oldest stepson Jr (Previously referred to in this blog as J) moved back in to our house earlier this week.
Before I go farther, understand that, from a logical point of view, I don’t mind. He’s not my child, but he’s the closest I’ll ever be able to come (along with his siblings) and I love him. His substance abuse problems appear to still be in the rear view mirror and I’m grateful that he (and we) are no longer dealing with that.
However, instead of assimilating into how our household runs, he’s pretty much doing his own thing. Which, since he sleeps on the couch in the living room, is a problem for me. He’s up all night, sleeps all day. Today he had to work so he did get up sometime after I left for therapy and before I came back from grocery shopping.
The bigger problem is that he is compounding the feelings I already have about MIL being here. I haven’t even figured out that mess, and now I have a new one to lay on top of it.
So, I’m ridiculously anxious. Worse then I have been in a long time. But, it just so happens that the chapter I’m working on in my DBT manual is about the emotional mind, reasoning (or logical) mind and the wise mind. Essentially the wise mind is the healthy combination of how you feel about something and what you think about something. Combine those two things and presto chango….wise mind.
If only if were so easy. Because, see part of the emotional mind are judgments. Things like “she’s stupid” or “he’s an asshole”. And we all make snap judgments all of the time. But the goal is to get to a point where we’re not making snap judgments. Not only is it a matter of taking the judgment out of the equation, but also the “snap”. And that, my friends, that is so hard.
So, here I sit, having just learned about a skill that could potentially help me with the circumstances I’m currently experiencing, and I can’t use it. Because it takes practice. A LOT of practice. It builds on mindfulness training which I’m still working on. We’ve all spent our entire lives learning to think a certain way, and then we got sick. And now, when we may be least capable, we have to retrain our brains to think a new way. And it’s a good way to think. Doing the reading and filling out the questions, it’s obvious to me how using the wise mind to handle problems is a far superior solution. But, the amount of work it takes to master is daunting.
Possibly worst of all is that the very first hurdle is remembering to use it. Between my bipolar and my meds for my bipolar, I have no memory. Cognitive Impairment is my constant companion. The book suggests that you figure out something you do multiple times a day and try to figure out which mind you are currently using. I chose to do this activity when I’m in the bathroom. With my intersticial cystitis, I’m in there pretty often, so I thought it would get me thinking about my wise mind more often. But I keep forgetting. I was even going to buy something (like a little elephant) to put in the bathroom to remind me, but I forgot.
My husband is worried about me having another nervous breakdown. I’m not worried about that right now. Hopefully, I can get these skills implemented and work on them enough that I can use them in the not too distant future.
Hopefully before the kid makes me more nuts then I already am.
morgueticiaatoms said:
One of my biggest beefs with this mindfulness thing is that while a great therapy…It contradicts the very nature of bipolar disorder by insisting we can retrain our brains and it’s all a problem with the way we think.
I might be irked by noise on Monday and then it slides off of me on Thursday. Am I being mindful? No. I am bipolar. If I could retrain my brain I wouldn’t shovel pills.
Point is…You may be able to retrain on some things, view things differently, logically even…But in your situation, having your entire safe space invaded, your routine upset…You are justified in whatever “negative” feelings you may have. Try to cut yourself some slack, you deserve it.
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Leslie said:
Thanks Morgue. And I am. This is more behavior modification then thought modification. So, it’s basically trying to teach me how to not flip out, which I would prefer. But I get what you’re saying. And some of my reactions are completely justified, it’s just a problem with intensity. I have multiple diagnoses beyond the bipolar, so even if the bipolar isn’t giving me problems, chances are something else is.
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morgueticiaatoms said:
Same here, which is what makes the battle even tougher. People take it as malingering but it’s really a series of chronic health issues with the brain.
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Leslie said:
Yup. My mother keeps telling me I’m just bored and should find something to do. SMH
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morgueticiaatoms said:
BORED? We’ve got so much stimuli hitting us from all angles when our mental state is only equipped to cope competently 4% of the time! If I had any more coming at me than I already do, I’d be yanking out clumps of hair, wearing a tin foil dress, and screaming that zombies are trying to eat me!
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Leslie said:
I hear that! I’d pay for boredom. She doesn’t understand why I can’t go and just get a “non-stressful” job. I can’t think of a non-stressful job.
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Billy said:
Good luck. Keep strong xx
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Leslie said:
Thanks Billy
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Just Plain Ol' Vic said:
Wow…your plate is so full right now, I totally empathize with what you are going through. Hopefully some acceptable routine settles into place for you all. Until then – sending positive and calming vibes your way!
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Leslie said:
Thanks Vic. I really appreciate it
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