It’s called a meningioma. It’s not strictly a tumor but it’s close enough that the doctors count it in the tumor category. And it’s in my brain.

MY!!!

BRAIN!!!!
WHAT THE EVERLASTING FUCK???!!!!

I’m back and forth between so depressed I can barely move and so anxious I can’t sit still. And the whole time I’m on the verge of tears.

I found out Thursday. Meningioma aren’t big growers. They get in there and just kinda hang out. A lot of women have them and they are no big deal. You don’t even know it’s there because it causes no problems so unless you need a brain MRI for something else it will go undetected for the rest of your life.

But not mine.

Mine has grown .2 cm in the last 6 months. And apparently that’s a lot. But beyond that it is pressing on the pons. I have limited understanding here, but it appears to be on the brainstem…maybe it is the brain stem…I’m uneducated in this area, but I’m working on it. What I do know is that the pons is in one way or another responsible for SO much. Most every symptom I have can be explained away by what this fricking little meningioma is doing. Dizziness? Yep. Forgetfulness? Sure. High blood pressure? Throw it on the pile. And on and on and on.

And now we come to the part that I’m SOOOO bad about. Patience. Have to wait for an appointment locally. I’m getting another opinion at Mayo, so wait for an appointment there. Wait for repeat testing locally AND at Mayo. Although I have to say that all these hospitals that talk about how long stuff takes??? It doesn’t take that long at Mayo. They are quite good at getting patients through the bullshit.

But I digress.

Options that I’m aware of:

  1. Wait and see…we just did that (although not for that reason) and it got bigger and more intrusive.
  2. Radiation
  3. Surgery

Now the one good thing is that meningioma are rarely cancer although the potential exists. Radiation and surgery could work easily but they could also fuck up my bipolar something stellar….or make it better I guess. Or kill me I suppose. Which scares me…which is weird since I’m often at least passively suicidal.

Y’all I’m a mess. This entry is a mess. I need to vent. I need to SCREAM!!!! I need to sob hysterically.

I need answers.

Pray for fast appointments for me!!!

Peace and Love