So, two days ago, I was having a really hard time. I was very down.
But, a really great thing happened.
I have been ranting in therapy (and I go a few times a week, so she must really be tired of hearing this) about how I can be depressed and anxious at the same time. It seems to me to be an impossible state. Opposing forces at work at the same time on the same being. I would say that it’s impossible, and yet I feel it so often.
But, two days ago, I felt it start. I felt the actual beginning of anxiety during a depressed state. It was just a touch of anger at first. Here I am, depressed again, hiding in the bedroom crying. And a finger of anger touched my shoulder. Lightly, barely noticeable. But, barely noticeably means a little noticeable, and this time I caught it in the act.
I couldn’t stop it. But I saw it. For the very first time, I saw anxiety creep in during a depression.
I call it a really great thing, because part of dealing with this swirling mass of mental illness is noticing the start of the different moods. And I did it. And for me, seeing the start of this state that has been making me nuts for, literally, years, was HUGE!
I asked my therapist to write down and remember this moment. I know that I will forget. A couple weeks, months or even (sadly) days from now I will forget that I finally understood. Actually, scratch that. I’ll remember that I understood, I just won’t remember how.
Adrian said:
I remember the day I started to keep a journal of only my feelings, and when I felt them….I wrote these things down randomly for a few weeks, and started to flip back through. It was a cycle… First I would be anxious, then I would get irritable, I would snap at someone, I would hear myself go off on them for no reason and not be able to stop it, I would get horribly depressed for doing such a thing/hate myself/cry, and then I would eat. The fast paced cycle eventually ended, but when I start to notice the anxiety I try to stop it before the cycle begins… It’s amazing when you are able to figure a little of your bipolar out! Good for you for feeling your anxiety come.
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Leslie said:
Thanks! And thanks for reading!
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Sandy Sue said:
Yaay!!! You’re doing so many good things for yourself.
I encourage you to do a little research on bipolar mixed states. You’ll see that what feels impossible is, in fact, documented and explained. It’s always nice to know that you’re not alone.
And your therapist is not tired of hearing about your experience. That’s what she’s trained and paid to do. Just a reminder 🙂
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Leslie said:
I’m a little researched out at the moment. It’s so tiring and sometimes so depressing. I know it’s also empowering, but it can be hard. But, I’m working on it. I’m always so happy to actually FEEL the moment. It really helps put it together for me.
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Sandy Sue said:
I get that. There’s power in knowing. And power in looking at why it’s tiring and hard.
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