I haven’t had a zyprexa since Thursday night. I’m still fighting the swollen ankles, breathlessness and dizziness. Yesterday I took 20mg of lasix to try to empty out the excess fluid. Today, I’m gonna try again.
I called urgent care yesterday, but they never called me back. My nerves are a little shot, but so far today I’m holding it together. It’s only 5 am, but I’ll take what I can get.
I haven’t been able to get through the initial side effects of the last 3 meds my pdoc has tried (Latuda, Saphris and Zyprexa). I know she’s frustrated…it starting to show. I’ve tried nearly everything, at one point or another. The zyprexa shows that she’s starting to go old school, which frankly, I prefer. At least the side effects are well documented. I pretty much will give anything a shot…I always think, maybe this time it’ll work. Maybe this time the side effects will be manageable. Maybe….
I feel worn down.
I feel frustrated.
I feel….not all the way hopeless, but getting there fast.
I feel angry.
I feel like a failure.
When I called my father the other night to ask about the zyprexa, my mother was on the extension listening. The next day (yesterday, I guess) she called to see how I was doing. Which was nice.
But there was another reason for calling…the real reason.
She has planned a family vacation for thanksgiving week. My parents are taking me and my hubby, my brother, his wife and their two kids on a cruise for the week. I’m apprehensive.
And apparently, now, so is she.
The real reason for the call was to find out if I’m going to be able to handle going away. My mother…wants to know…if I can handle…vacation.
Because I am obviously crazier than she thought.
In my bit of weakness on the phone I let slip that the doctors not only don’t think I can work now, but they don’t think I ever will be able to.
Oops.
That was never supposed to get back to them. One of the rarely acknowledged (by me) side effects of my depression is that, in an effort to make others understand, I reveal too much. I cross lines. I destroy defenses. I climb over carefully constructed boundaries.
My mother said that she thinks that I may never work again is sad.
Really? Ya think?
Personally, I feel as though it’s a devastating blow to my self worth and my self esteem.
But, I digress.
I feel as though my mother is afraid to go on vacation with me. Am I reading into things too much? Maybe, maybe not. The sad part is, that I wouldn’t really put it past her. I have to consider it because my sanity has been brought into question nearly every time I do something that she doesn’t particularly like or want to see.
My sanity.
It’s one thing to call myself crazy. It’s another to know that someone else thinks that.
I may start acting crazy and ruin the carefully planned vacation she has crafted.
Or I could be being completely unfair.
But, I don’t think so.
Or maybe I’m just being crazy.
She made a point to tell me that the final payment isn’t due for a few weeks yet, and even after that, she has purchased trip insurance.
In case I change my mind, I guess. Although normally she wouldn’t hear of it.
I know that she thinks she is just trying to make things easier on me. But, I also believe her to be afraid of my crazy.
Hubby is so looking forward to this trip. We couldn’t afford it. I’ve been hesitant about it, but because we are leaving my grandmother alone on the first Thanksgiving since Poppop died. Mommom is 96. She and Poppop were married for 73 years. And she will be with a grand-niece for Thanksgiving instead of her son and grandchildren. Because, I would absolutely make the trip to Pennsylvania to make that happen. But, my parents convinced me to go away.
I think I’m rambling. I don’t want to proofread because I’m tired of crying.
Dammit those boundaries were hard to build.
Can someone hand me a brick to re-build this wall, please?
blahpolar said:
Is it possible that she’s genuinely worried about you? If so, the fear might be for you, rather than of you. Obviously I don’t know though, I’m just playing devil’s advocate. We have a shitty fucking disorder, I hope things ease up on you. And thank goodness for wp, it means we’re never 100% alone. Be gentle with yourself if you can.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Leslie said:
It is possible that she is afraid for me. It just hasn’t been the pattern of my life so far. But, I can’t ask. The disappointment would be too severe if what I fear is true. I hate that I’ve been writing like this recently. I try to not dwell on the specifics, rather go after the root. Yes, she’s a trigger, but why? Loss of control, fear of not being accepted? I’d rather try to sort those things out. But, I just can’t help it recently. I can’t seem to pull myself past the weeds and get to the roots.
My therapist is happy I started blogging here. She considers it unstructured group therapy. We don’t have to wait for a specific time. We say what we need when we need to and get feedback from those capable of giving it. It’s a true blessing for me.
LikeLiked by 2 people
blahpolar said:
It’s definitely a blessing for me too, I’d be pretty fucked without it tbh. And it’s done me good to puke out words and grief and fear and so on. Apart from the good advice etc, I guess I needed (and still need) to vent a huge amount. Which is my meandering way of saying that it’s good to write the way you are doing. There’s a quote I like, by an author I can’t remember, something like “I write to know what I feel.” Or maybe it was think. Eh.
LikeLike
Leslie said:
That’s a good quote regardless of its exact wording! lol I’ve been researching DBT, because my therapist was thinking that maybe we should try it. I’m tired of verbally dumping everything. I feel like I could do it forever and ever and ever.
I think I’m just gearing up for a bad day
LikeLiked by 1 person
blahpolar said:
I haven’t done the talk therapy thing for a few years now, thank fuck. CBT does me some practical good and DBT makes me think yes, basic Buddhist principles help, but they don’t fix stuff for me. I’d need to be a different kind of person for it. Hope your day isn’t as bad as you fear.
LikeLike
Leslie said:
Thanks!
LikeLiked by 1 person
EdenNoMore said:
I can totally understand the pain of watching those boundaries shatter when you weren’t ready to let them go. It’s frustrating and difficult. It makes people treat you differently, and maybe not even in a helpful way. Sometimes it just makes you feel all the more fragile and sensitive. I wish I could help you fix it, make it better. Maybe this is a good opportunity to see this from a positive side. You have an escape from this vacation if you don’t want to go. It means you can really decide what you want, and no one will fault you if you decide not to. You now have the freedom to choose.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Leslie said:
I’m not sure I’ve figured out how to turn it around to a positive yet. So many other little tortuous parts to the story. Thanks though!
LikeLike
EdenNoMore said:
You’ll get there when you’re ready. Dealing with family can be such a big and complex creature, but you’ll get there. I’m actually looking forward to hearing what you decide and how you handle it. I know it probably doesn’t seem that way, but your strength is totally inspiring.
LikeLike
Leslie said:
Thank you, it doesn’t seem that way, but thank you. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
dianetharp70 said:
Hugs Leslie!! ❤
LikeLike
Leslie said:
Thanks Diane
LikeLiked by 1 person
dianetharp70 said:
You’re welcome:)
LikeLike
Jim Buchanan said:
My family hasn’t been as supportive as I’d like either. I can recommend DBT it has really helped me with interpersonal relationships, dealing with strangers, and distress tolerance.
LikeLike
Leslie said:
My therapist has talked about starting that, so I think I’ll talk to her about it tomorrow.
LikeLike
Sandy Sue said:
Gah! There’s so much, and it all gets garbled together, and who can pick up that tangled mess and find the end of one thread?
Remember that your pdoc isn’t frustrated with you. She’s frustrated because she can’t find anything that actually helps you. That’s a good kind of frustration. It will keep her motivated.
Families. *shudder* I don’t know from one day to the next what I’ll be capable of, so telling me that this (thing/event/celebration) has been planned for months (like that should make me feel guilty) carries absolutely no weight. My stock answer is, “Everything is tentative. I won’t know if I’ll be there until that day. And even then, I may have to leave.”
For me, this is especially true for family. If I can last an hour, I count it a huge success.
If you’re really thinking about doing this vacation, maybe a bit of research is in order. Will there be someplace you can get away by yourself when (not if) you need to? Can you opt out on whatever group activities are planned? What do you anticipate you’ll need most?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Leslie said:
Thankfully, I’ve cruised before, so I know what to expect. And getting away shouldn’t be too terribly hard. I’ve already told her that I may have to bail on dinners and such depending on how my day is going. But, there are hair-triggers on slick well designed traps to avoid. Hubby will help, and while I won’t be able to post to my blog while I’m away, I’ll take the computer so I can still write. I’ll figure out an arsenal of tools and do the best I can.
I hope pdoc stays motivated. I am. Usually.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sandy Sue said:
Wow, you’ve got it covered, girlfriend. Way to pack that toolbox!
LikeLike
Leslie said:
I’m tryin’! I’ll probably pack some coloring books in that toolbox, too!
LikeLike
Brave said:
This made me tear up because of the pain I can feel in your words and have experienced in my life. I don’t feel I have any wisdom to offer but I offer you prayer.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Leslie said:
I take prayers! Thank you.
LikeLiked by 1 person