Tags
anxiety, ativan, baseline, bipolar, coupons, depression, hypomania, medications
Recently, I have been experiencing a daily cycle of my emotions.
Assuming that I am not mired in complete and utter depression, I wake up in the morning, doing fairly well. Today was actually exceptional as I got out to the grocery store. I actually like grocery shopping. It’s the only shopping I do like in fact. I clip coupons. Vigorously. Ok, not as vigorously as those ladies on the tv shows, but enough to make a 50% dent in our grocery bills. As of right now it’s my only financial contribution to our household, so it makes me feel useful and gives me some purpose. The major depression I have been going through has made this whole process much more difficult, but today’s trip felt really good. Of course, I spent the whole time wondering if this was a baseline type of enjoyment or was I ramping into hypomania.
I came home, managed to get it all put away and even managed to clean off my desk and pay a couple bills…all medical bills of course.
But, here I am again, getting to the middle of the afternoon and I feel the anxiety begin to rise. My teeth are clenching. The elephant has taken up his usual perch on my chest and my breathing is becoming labored. I’m chewing the inside of my cheek. My arms and hands are starting to tingle. My shoulders are tensing up and the headache is still dull, but it’s there. I’m getting light-headed.
Will I fall victim to depression this afternoon, yet again? Or maybe the anxiety will decide it can march across my afternoon solo today.
There is no reason for my day to take this turn. None.
I don’t get it.
This pattern has been going on for awhile now. I don’t understand it.
I really hate it.
Tomorrow I have my therapy and pdoc appointments. Since I discontinued the zyprexa poison on Friday, my symptoms have finally been clearing up, although I still have some swelling in my ankles. I will sit on pdoc’s couch like a dutiful patient and watch her struggle to figure out what to do with me.
For now, I guess I’ll go get an ativan.
Zoe said:
It’s a tiresome thing to cycle like this. I almost want to go inpatient so they can drug me up to oblivion like they always do.
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Leslie said:
I have probably mentioned hospitalization once a week or so to my therapist over the last month. I’m just so tired of struggling along. I want someone to hand me my meds and tell me when to have meals (and make them) and let me color and do puzzles in peace. I want so badly to be the person I used to be and I can’t get used to the person I am now. *sigh*
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blahpolar said:
Oh maaaan this disorder is a total and utter bastard.
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Leslie said:
Yes, yes it is.
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blahpolar said:
Kill it. Kill it with fire. Ha fucking ha, I wish. Strongs my friend.
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Leslie said:
Thanks. At least pdoc will earn her money at next appointment
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Zoe said:
The only thing that stops me is trauma. Hospitals are as triggering to me as war is to veterans. Big hugs your way. May we both find the strength to ride this never ending wave of failure.
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Leslie said:
The only thing that stops me is my husband. I know that another hospitalization will add devastating stress to the pile he already has. Big hugs your way, too Zoe.
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Sandy Sue said:
I’m late getting to this, so you’ve already seen your doc. I was wondering if one of your meds was “wearing off” too soon in the day since this particular shift seems to be happening pretty regularly. Or maybe it’s the other way around…
Well, I obviously don’t know what I’m talking about. It was the first thing that came to mind. Hope you got some good support from the doc today.
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Leslie said:
Sandy, it’s a good thought. I don’t know what the problem is and neither do my doctors. We added Seroquel to the mix and I actually slept last night. That may be the help I needed.
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