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Next week is my appointment with pdoc.  I just saw her two weeks ago, but I wanted to come back quickly so we could see if I would be able to lose weight while I’m on Seroquel XR.

I’m not losing weight.  I’m walking.  I’m eating healthier.  But I’m not losing anything but my patience.

Now I’m considering ditching the Lamictal as well.  My memory is awful.  Desperately awful.  Anxiety inducing, furious Leslie making awful.

Simply put, my memory sucks.

And, as far as I can remember (ridiculous, I know) it wasn’t like this before I was diagnosed and medicated.  I know that I used to work at a high stress job and memory was critical.  And I excelled.  But I don’t really have a handle on how my memory was before my nervous breakdown (yeah yeah major depressive episode..whatevs).   I started Lamictal just before my mental health hospital stint and have continued it since.

I ranted on this theme at therapy this morning.  Is it the illness?  Is it the meds?  Will it get better?  Are the memories gone or just not accessible?  What happens if I stop the Lamictal?  Will I be able to regulate my moods on something else?  Is my quality of living impaired enough that I’m willing to hop back on the med-go-round? (yes, I think)

And I’m not just looking at the Lamictal.  I’m also looking at the Seroquel XR.  It’s scary to think that I need to ditch two of my meds.

But, it’s also scary to realize that I have forgotten so many things.  Memories of doing things with hubby that are gone.  I no longer have access to them.  Some of the things I don’t remember are scary.  Like driving somewhere and suddenly realizing that I’m lost.  I don’t know where I am and I don’t know how I got lost.  And then I realize that I’m not lost.  I’m on the road I drive several times a week, every week, and I forgot what it looked like.  Or stopping mid-sentence because the word I want is missing from my vocabulary suddenly and I can’t even come up with something similar enough to use.  And once I find the word, I forgot what I was talking about.  I forget what the sentence I’m in the middle of saying was about.  I find that to be some seriously disturbing.

And it’s making me angry.  And frustrated.

The medications I’m considering changing are actually working on my moods fairly well. I’m always anxious, but I think that’s just the way it’s gonna be from now on, and I can live with that.  But, I’m at the point where I’m really concerned that the side effect cost is becoming too high.  It’s great that I don’t go into a deep depression or a manic phase, or, God forbid a mixed episode.  I’m thrilled about that.  But the anger and frustration that I’m experiencing as a result of the side effects are starting to become a problem.  I have to consider that the anger and frustration could eventually become so bad that they negate the effectiveness of the meds anyway.  And then I would really be screwed.

I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I have a week and two more therapy appointments to decide.

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