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the existence of the world pisses me off today
My anxiety is really bugging me out. I HATE feeling like this and yet, at least once a week or so my whole being explodes into a hail of irritability and hate. Hate for being mental. Hate for having to function. Hate for not being able to sleep all day. Hate for people saying stupid things to me. (Are you making pork chops? No the process of cooking will automatically turn these to steak….asshole)
all I want to do is lay in bed and cry today
but I can’t because hubby is putting primer on the walls in the bedroom today
Plus, of course it’s Valentine’s Day and I should at least make a show of not being an asshole.
But, when I feel like this…well, making a show of not being an asshole take a LOT of work. Plus, I have resting bitch face, so everyone keeps saying “what’s wrong with you?” and let’s face it, when I feel like this….they don’t really want to know. So, I say “nothing, I have resting bitch face” (yes, it’s a thing)
There are triggers….My grandmother is going to be 97 at the end of the week and she fell and broke a rib the other day..but they don’t explain the degree to which to irritability extends. This is pretty much pissiness for the sake of pissiness. Which is really hard to control.
I want to feel good. I want to feel happy. I want to want to help my husband. I want to want to cook dinner and I really want to want to make a cake. But I don’t. Want to, I mean. It took everything to throw some pork chops in the crock pot this morning. And I will have to re-do that effort when it’s all done because we’re going to need noodles and a veggie.
When I feel like this, I feel like talking about it is just whining. That’s how I feel about it when it happens to me. When it happens to you, I think “good, get it out…oh my I can sympathize with that”. When it happens to me I’m being a whiner. Yes, I see that it is ridiculous. But I can’t help it.
I don’t even feel like I need an anti-anxiety pill. It’s not like I’m having a panic attack or even having the symptoms of one. And I hate to take them unless I really need them. But, it’s really hard for me to accept that these days of extreme irritability can be partially controlled with a klonopin. Don’t ask me why….I have no idea.
Anyway, I’m going to get through this “making dinner” thing and then lay around watching the Walking Dead marathon and the new episode tonight. Hopefully tomorrow I feel better.
morgueticiaatoms said:
I am the same with my Xanax, putting it off as long as I can. (I broke today once thinking about facing off with the donor and sent me into panxiety meltdown.) The weird part is, the doctor will say, “If you don’t take anti anxiety pills at regularly intervals, of course you will have a panic attack.”
And in the next breath, “I really don’t like prescribing anti anxiety drugs as they are addictive.”
So do I take them or use them as decor? WTf.
Good luck with dinner.
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Leslie said:
If I take the damn pills they stop working. So suffer? or change the meds every other month?
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HMJonesWrites said:
I despise those days of extreme anger, seething, poking, bubbling anger. I am sorry you’re feeling this way today. I am sending you love and peace.
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Leslie said:
thank you!
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dianetharp70 said:
I. FEEL. YOU, REALLY!!! I feel this way at least half the week. In tolerent of even myself. Rage, seething anger. I feel turning inside out &/or crawling out my own body. My open & know what I’ve done, what I’m thinking, crack head marathon brain, ,,, I need to take my alprazolam more on schedule, I’m scared rho sometimes.
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Leslie said:
i’m always afraid that if I take something I will get tired, but I really should probably get into the habit of taking the .5 mg 4 times a day the way she has it written.
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dianetharp70 said:
,,,, my head feels open, my chest kinda feels (physically) empty, ,,
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Leslie said:
I feel weighted down
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dianetharp70 said:
Ugh, sorry! I have ?sensory/perception issues with weightlessness/density, am I ‘here’, etc. Fucked up
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Just Plain Ol' Vic said:
Bill the Cat is such a perfect image. Better soon I hope!
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Leslie said:
Thanks Vic….I thought Bill really kind of said it all!
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Drew Sheldon said:
I have these same phases of anxiety making me super unpleasant. Plus I’m not good with meds. They do me damn little good unless I take enough to be non-functional. So frustrating. I hope you feel better soon.
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Leslie said:
What are you taking Drew?
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Drew Sheldon said:
At the moment, nothing. It seems like everything is a choice between being “sane” or functional. I’m lucky to be relatively stable most of the time. When I have a bad turn, I try out something, but it usually makes other things much more difficult. So I keep hoping my brain chemistry finds a way to balance itself out eventually.
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Leslie said:
Wow…if you can be functional and not have to take anything…you have hit the mental health jackpot my friend. Can’t live without the meds but it’s really hard living with them.
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Drew Sheldon said:
Well, I can be functional much of the time. Those times I can’t create some big troubles. On the same token, though, I am glad not to be in your position. I know a lot of people who are constantly adjusting their cocktails. Ugh.
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Leslie said:
I’m glad that you write about your experiences. It’s always nice to get the perspective of all the different ranges of the spectrum
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Sandy Sue said:
Ugh. That itchy, ugly, punch-everyone-in-the-face phase. I figure, at least it gives me some energy instead of the Camp Blanket phase. I may not be able to do anything positive with that energy, but at least the possibility is there.
I hate this for you. And all of us.
And one small ray of hope–you’re still acclimating to new meds. That always made me completely boo-boo faced for a couple of weeks.
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Leslie said:
Yeah, hopefully that’s what it is. Underneath it all I have this need to sleep, long and hard. I don’t know when I’m going to be able to do that. It’s probably part of what’s making me so irritable.
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Val said:
LOL my husband has resting git face 🙂 Just when he’s serious everyone asks him “what’s wrong?”. Appparently when I feel like you were here I have a “steer clear of me” face, people are scared and stay away :D. Ok ok it’s funny now ’cause I’m not feeling it, but I completely get you and hey, if you don’t whine here, where will you whine! Whine away 🙂 Hope the marathon was fun 🙂
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Leslie said:
Marathon was great! New episode was awesome!!
I always tell people that their blog is their own little corner of the internet to do their bitching and I have to remember that for myself.
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Jess Melancholia said:
People don’t understand resting bitch face. I’m not mad all the time and smiling takes effort and purpose. I’ve had these kind of days so much. Crabby and unmotivated. Hopefully today is better.
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Leslie said:
Thanks Jess!
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