I’ve had it. I’m tired of it. I don’t want to deal with it anymore.
I want to wake up in the morning feeling rested and motivated, instead of tired and anxious.
I want to look forward to upcoming events on my calendar, instead of dreading the possibility that I won’t feel like participating.
I want to remember what my husband told me this morning while we talked.
I want to take fewer pills each day.
I want to plan fun things to do instead of being too tired to bother.
I want to talk with my family and not see the wheels turning in their heads about what they feel I’m capable of handling.
I want to work at a job that is useful to people, the way I used to.
I want to be done with endless doctor appointments.
I want to go out in the world, instead of hiding in my home to avoid all those people out there.
I’m tired of feeling tired.
I’m sick of feeling sick.
I’m tired of depression.
I’m tired of the constant struggle to give a shit.
I’m tired of worrying that all this worrying is going to put me back on the mental ward.
I’m tired of the constant anxiety. The constant feeling that I’m standing on the edge of a cliff just praying the dirt doesn’t give out beneath my feet.
I try to pretend. I try to put on a good show of feeling fine. But, it’s hard work, all this pretending. It’s exhausting. It’s probably part of the reason I’m always so tired. But, I can’t make myself stop pretending. I feel a responsibility to not let my family suffer through my bipolar anymore then I have to. But, I’m tired of watching myself fail in that attempt. I see hubby hang his head or roll his eyes when things are going rough with me. He doesn’t mean anything by it, but it’s extremely distressing for me.
Right now, I hate my life. It was never supposed to be like this. I had plans for my life, plans for my career. And all those plans have gone to the trash bin now. But, I miss those plans, those goals and I can’t get past the memory of them enough to make new ones.
I want to be one of those bipolars for whom the meds work great. I want to get stablilized like they have and go back to work and feel fulfilled in my life. I want to look forward to upcoming events with gusto not dread them in fear.
I want bipolar to be over now.
natalias2cents said:
I loved this post! I feel your pain honey because I am there with you. The important thing to remember is that our illness does not define us. We have our moments when we all want to just say fuck it and fly off that cliff. Always remember that God is our buffer against the dark world of our minds and the physical world we live in. Stay strong my love.
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Leslie said:
Thank you so much. I appreciate the kind words.
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Cogitator said:
That pretending is the hardest. And so very, very draining. I have found my normal, for now. I am grateful for every single day, every hour. I notice being content, making an arrangement for the next day (no further out than that). I haven’t gone back to the career I had for 20 years. Five hospital stays were a sign. So my new normal is different to last year. I think its waiting for you. I simply can’t believe that depression can hold on forever. You will be released.
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Leslie said:
Thank you so much. I’m happy for you that you are doing well. I’m working towards it always.
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kadynomlid said:
Hi! Im Kadyn, I have bipolar depression and have just started my own blog. Please join me on my journey! kadynomlid.wordpress.com
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Leslie said:
I’ll check it out Kadyn
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kadynomlid said:
Thanks Leslie!
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SassaFrassTheFeisty said:
{Hugs} Loves to you
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Leslie said:
Thanks Sass. Nice to “see” you.
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Perfectly Flawed said:
I really like this post. It’s so honest. I can 100% relate to this article and I feel the same way you do. I lost my job and my dreams of my career due to bipolar. I loved being my old motivated self and being out there in the world like everyone else. Don’t worry be positive because there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Let’s just try to keep moving towards it
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